Timeless & Unfiltered
Welcome to Timeless & Unfiltered, the podcast where we keep it real, raw, and refreshing for women in midlife. This channel dives into the joys and challenges of midlife with humor, honesty, and heart. From navigating menopause, dating, and fashion to tackling health, relationships, and rediscovering passions, we cover it all—nothing is off-limits!
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Timeless & Unfiltered
Confronting Childhood Trauma - with Dr. Angela Montfort - Part 2
When anxiety symptoms start affecting your mental health, it's crucial to establish strong boundaries for your personal growth. 👑 Today, we're diving deep into recognizing emotional abuse and managing social anxiety in our relationships. Remember queens, prioritizing your wellbeing isn't selfish - it's essential! 💕
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I was having a great day sitting at my desk and I got a phone call from a person the person. All I did was see the name come up on my phone and I felt it the moment I saw the name ring on my phone, the anxiety my chest tightened.
Speaker 1:I started sweating. I got an instant headache, because I already know if I answer that phone, it's never positive. I realized that the stress that was on me wasn't even mine, but it was affecting me physically the moment I said no more. I haven't had a migraine in the last couple of years.
Speaker 3:All those symptoms.
Speaker 1:I was physically making myself sick.
Speaker 4:You know why your mind goes to a positive place and you take your body with it. That's why mindfulness works. In this present moment, you can make the decision of how you want to feel.
Speaker 5:Yes, this is Legra. This is Stephanie.
Speaker 3:This is Cherie and this is Ivanya. This is Cherie.
Speaker 1:And this is Evanya. And this is Timeless and Unfiltered, where we are spilling the tea on midlife, one laugh at a time. Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Timeless and Unfiltered. I am Legra, I'm Stephanie.
Speaker 3:I'm Legra, I'm Stephanie, I'm Charisse and I'm Evania and you'll probably notice we got a special guest on the couch, but before that, we would like you to please follow us, subscribe, like us on all platforms so you can get all this great content every week straight to you.
Speaker 1:Hello hello, hello. Well, Charisse, I'm going to let you introduce our special guest.
Speaker 2:Oh, hello, well, charisse, I'm gonna let you introduce our special guest. Oh, I'm so excited to actually introduce Dr Angela Monfort. Who is? She probably don't want me to say this, but she's actually my personal therapist.
Speaker 1:And soon to be mine.
Speaker 2:So let me just give you some information on Dr Monfort. It's a lot, but I'm just gonna read a little bit. Dr Angela Monfort, phd, lpc, ncc these acronyms NCC.
Speaker 4:Nationally Certified Counselor, okay and CPSC Certified Professional Counseling Supervisor.
Speaker 5:Don't say what I'm saying. Go on girl, go on girl. What was the LPC? No tags.
Speaker 4:Licensed Professional Counselor. Okay, I'm both a licensed professional counselor and a licensed psychologist.
Speaker 1:Okay, there we go, love it, get her accolades, gotta get those accolades.
Speaker 2:Credentials she was a licensed psychologist and private practice in Buckhead in Atlanta, georgia. She has 20 years of combined experience as a therapist, career consultant and supervisor in various mental health settings. But I did notice because, um, you've got um a lot of over the years. But what I was actually excited about was it said on here that you're working on a book about body image issues experienced by women of color yes, so very excited about it too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was excited about it, to read it. We just have stuff we need to pack up, just get right to it.
Speaker 5:We need you, we need you.
Speaker 2:We was literally talking about childhood, just childhood traumas, things that we've gone through, and being at a point where we're middle-aged and just now being able to unpack things and understand, and so I think we're just kind of wanting to understand why so late, why are we doing it now, why are we trying to figure this out?
Speaker 2:now and not only that, but in terms of trauma, how do we get to the place of understanding it for others, understanding it and then getting what we need so that we can get past it and live productive lives?
Speaker 2:And one of the other things we talked about is the things that we really pass on to our children because we didn't have a clue until they told us and it hurt, yeah, and we try to deal with it, and so what we're, what we're trying to do, is, for the folks who are where we are, our middle-aged platform how do they get to it and then for girls who are younger, young women who are younger, to have young kids where do they start? What do they do and why don't we? What is it that's stopping us from?
Speaker 4:they do, and why don't we? What is it that's stopping us from doing it sooner? Well, that's a really heavy and very rightfully asked question.
Speaker 4:You have to understand that trauma happens in a context you know, we don't control when it happens and likewise we don't control when we deal with it. For some people the trauma is very close to the surface and they just can't have it not impact their lives. So the re-experiencing is there, the reactions are there, the flashbacks are there. Whatever symptomology that they struggle with, it is front and center. For the larger majority, you have trauma symptomology that is more subconscious. It still impacts the way we function, but in a way that's much more covert. So for these individuals it's not really known just how much is impacting your life.
Speaker 4:So you may not know that there's an impact to a child. You may think it's normal and not even be aware that. Wow, every time the child makes a reference to this sort of trigger, I react that awareness may not be there. For those who it is who are aware of that, they usually get help.
Speaker 2:Hopefully.
Speaker 4:They will get help. But you can't really blame yourself if you don't have the awareness, Because most of the time life doesn't pause because something bad happened.
Speaker 3:Very true, it does not.
Speaker 4:You're keeping it moving and as long as you're holding it together, the lights are on. You got your job or you got your man, you got your kids. Whatever it is that you're trying to keep in the flow, as long as it's moving. That's the object, object of the game and that's where the focus is that that statement said a lot by itself.
Speaker 1:Like I'm sitting here, I'm processing going I'm trying to make a better effort of listening and stop being so reactionary. That's been a a big thing between me and my son, Because when he does tell me something that I've said or I've done that has impacted him negatively, I'm already on the defensive and I'm already trying to explain why. And he hasn't even gotten out everything he wanted to say to me first. But he and I have. He's more the adult I'm the child in this relationship.
Speaker 1:And I don't know if that's just young people or what, but he's so aware of our conversations and he's very intentional when he speaks to me. But part of that is to guess what my son is in therapy, mama not.
Speaker 4:He's in therapy.
Speaker 1:So he's learning how to communicate better with me. And so sometimes, when we have our conversations and I'll start to speak and say hold on, just give me a moment, let me, let me get this out, let me let me say what I need to say first and then then you can tell me sometimes who are you talking to first and then.
Speaker 1:Then you can tell, and I said sometimes, who are you talking to, because you know, because you're the parent, but I I have to say, okay, wait, yeah, I'm, I'm already ready to defend myself because he's saying something that's I don't want to hear, or that is is hurtful to me, or I didn't do something right, whatever right is. You know, but our relationship has gotten better, honestly, since he's been in therapy. So now it's like you know what, allegra, it's time for you to go to therapy, because some of the things that he said he can't be wrong all the time. Apparently, the way I'm communicating with him doesn't feel comfortable to him and I need to figure out why I'm communicating with him that way, you know but yeah kids hurt, hurt your feelings you hurt your feelings and you're already ready to attack, or to defend
Speaker 3:yourself, and I think sometimes I don't listen well, and it's taking me a minute to get there, to realize I don't listen. Communicate and listen because, like how you said, when sometimes somebody's talking to you so you're remembering what they said, so I can respond back to that sometimes you tune out everything else so now I'm focused on this one thing and that's what I hear.
Speaker 3:And I'm upset and I'm mad because you said this one thing and I probably didn't hear it the way you meant to say it, but now I'm not listening to everything else you said. I realize I do this and I'm like focused on this and I'm mad and you've said all this other good things and I focus. One thing I think is negative how do you train yourself to listen so you hear everything and then, if you have a response, would you wait till the end so you can say everything you need to say in response and not be so defensive?
Speaker 4:In this culture. Believe it or not, most people are not really good listeners. I believe it. What you described is really normative. In other cultures it is considered more of a show of respect when there's a pause before responding yes, and Western culture is more looked at as a negative, like maybe you're slow or maybe you're not very intelligent or not with it or something or not forthright. It really does just take being aware and training yourself to just really consider what was heard before you respond the other piece of that I'll say quickly is a virtue of safety.
Speaker 4:It's going to be really hard to just pause and be that like with it if you don't feel safe if you already feel judged, if you already feel like, if the stakes are high, if I say the wrong thing, then all of that it's going to make it hard to just override what you naturally do that's good that's why, feeling safe is so important.
Speaker 2:Yes, you said something earlier that actually made me think um, and what you said is we're paying our light bills.
Speaker 4:We're you know, we're focused on our families.
Speaker 2:We're just living, and so I guess part of I don't know you're the expert here, but I'm assuming a part of not getting therapy or just thinking about what needs to happen is because we're just on that train just trying to get to the next point. So I think, as we sit here at Midlife we've talked about well, now it's quiet, the kids are gone. You know we have time now. We're starting to think about our future, so we have more quiet time and maybe that's why why it bubbled up for me.
Speaker 4:possibly very possibly again, keep in mind you got several layers here. You got what's going on in your life individually, you've got who's around you, managing that, you've got the responsibilities of life, and then you've got the larger around you, managing that. You've got the responsibilities of life, and then you've got the larger context, for example, how the world views therapy, and pull it back down to a microcosm of that, how people of color view therapy. How women of color view therapy.
Speaker 4:I mean for the longest therapy in the black culture. Come on Right, it's becoming more common.
Speaker 5:I believe, the more you put it out there and people speak of their journeys and how they've been healed, I think people are more open to going to therapy.
Speaker 2:Because I keep saying I'm going to go to therapy.
Speaker 1:We're waiting on you to go to therapy, girl. My life is is so much going on you say come to the side of the light.
Speaker 5:I keep saying I'm gonna do it, but I just feel like, like you said, everything is just moving and I'm just like, okay, at some point and I am getting to a point where I'm sitting to myself really, but not really, because I still got a million things going on and in my quiet time my therapist has been that man upstairs for- a while, but I do feel like a lot of times I need reinforcements because I know my friends probably get tired of hearing my stuff.
Speaker 1:Oh no, we never get tired of hearing the stories and I'm like I know I'm wearing them out.
Speaker 5:I need to go talk to somebody else, so that's something I'm looking to do?
Speaker 3:If you felt sick you felt physically sick you would schedule a doctor's appointment so if you feel like, there's some type of turmoil inside.
Speaker 5:You need to schedule an appointment with a therapist I would need to, because what I realize is all the stuff that I I hold on to is impacting me physically yes, like now I'm being diagnosed with issues, because stress and everything I'm holding on to and I'm like, oh my gosh, no, that's really so real. So I'm like, yeah, I got to calm down and just figure out how to unpack without hurting people, because that's to a point where I want to hurt people verbally but I don't Because.
Speaker 2:I've evolved from the person that.
Speaker 3:I was.
Speaker 5:So I just keep things at bay, but it's just like really tearing me up on the inside.
Speaker 3:Sometimes it's not worth it too, Because you said they don't have anything to lose.
Speaker 5:They don't, oh gee, but it's so hard, it's a process, god, can you help me? Help me please.
Speaker 4:You've got a new counselor right here.
Speaker 3:She's like yes, I'm sitting here looking at a volume. Who is this person? I'm evolving, no, but I know how stress can really mess with you physically. I'm 47. I got shingles at 46.
Speaker 1:I shouldn't have shingles at 46. I got shingles at 46. I shouldn't have shingles at 46. I have shingles, that's why I'm stressed. I had them popped up three years ago. That's stress, shingles.
Speaker 3:And my hair is green Like stress is my heart rate. Sometimes I feel it's like my anxiety, like all that stuff, and I know that stress is work stress, relationship stress, parenthood stress it's like all that stress. So now I try to deal with it in different ways. We talked about sometimes the different ways we use for self care and wellness and all that stuff and breathing and just trying to take a step back and doing nothing.
Speaker 3:So I know that that's important, but getting it out and speaking to somebody I know is important as well.
Speaker 5:Yeah, I think that's better than taking medication, cause I think a lot of times the symptoms of your stress well, here, take this pill, it'll calm you down. And here, go, take this twice a day. And it's like no, maybe I need to holistically, maybe, yeah, sit and talk to someone before I actually start taking medication, because maybe it's just something I need to unpack or learn ways to woosah a little better, as opposed to just throwing a pill in your mouth.
Speaker 4:I will say it depends, because keep in mind that the body only has one response to stress and it doesn't matter whether or not the stress is a bear charging at you or the stock market falling or something happening in your family. Those stress hormones like cortisol does damage in the body because your body is not meant to be activated as much as it is. Like in caveman times, there wasn't a bear every day.
Speaker 5:Right. Right now there's something Every day, every day.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and sometimes your body takes a hit and it doesn't bounce back as fast. That makes sense. With anxiety stressing the heart, Sometimes you do kind of get in that window where the organs actually do start to get a little bit weakened. If that's not the case, then, yes, get into the root of it will definitely help and you and you won't really need the medications anymore right I've had clients with chronic anxiety that felt they were always about on the verge of having a heart attack when they've learned to use coping mechanisms like deep breathing meditation exercise.
Speaker 4:They don't need anything to calm their anxiety anymore normal xanax or anything like that that makes sense.
Speaker 1:But again, I think um, like you said, a lot of it too is recognizing.
Speaker 1:There's an issue and I know we've talked about it before um a lot of stress comes from your family oh yeah you know, my family currently is dealing with a major issue with a family member not certain if it's a mental issue, if it's mental health, not certain if it's a drug issue. But that is causing a lot of stress in our family. But I noticed it personally. There was a time, remember, I was sickly all the time. I had a migraine. I used to suffer from migraines, and I say used to, because I was taking medication. I had been to the doctor. I always had digestive issues. Stomach upset all the time.
Speaker 1:Everything, and literally. I was having a great day sitting at my desk and I got a phone call from a person the person and all I did was see the name come up on my phone and I felt it because I was having a really great day.
Speaker 1:I was doing whatever I was doing. I was at my desk and the moment I saw the name ring on my phone, the anxiety, when I tell you, it's almost if there was a such thing as an instant heart attack and that just instantly went away. It was almost like say, hey, that's it, this is your issue, this is your source. Right here, my chest tightened, I started sweating, I got an instant headache just from seeing that name come on my phone, because I already know if I answer that phone, it's never positive. It's never positive, it's always on 10. It's always an emergency. It was going to shift my whole day and I remember staring at the phone and I didn't answer it and I sat there and I said, okay, you have to stop, you have to stop. And then I realized that the stress that was on me wasn't even mine I was taking on somebody else's stress and because, as your family member, I love you so I'm gonna okay when.
Speaker 1:When they call, I'm gonna answer the call. When they come over, I'm gonna sit and listen. And it was pouring over me, but it was affecting me physically and and the moment I said no more. I haven't had a migraine in the last couple of years.
Speaker 5:Wow.
Speaker 1:My digestive like all those symptoms. I was physically making myself sick, and it wasn't even my stress.
Speaker 4:Putting up that boundary by not answering the call? Yes.
Speaker 1:Yes, and literally that was my aha, my aha moment and my life. But it's amazing too how, when you do put that boundary up, when I say, it's almost like the whole atmosphere shifted you know what I'm saying All the you don't ever feel like you're a magnet for negativity sometimes, but the moment you say no more, well, well, where did the negative stuff go? It like it. Not just that one incident, or that one person everything shifted. It's like you said no more universe.
Speaker 1:I'm not taking this on anymore and everything shifted and it's like a whole different world you want to know why no well, tell me, doc, because your mind goes to a positive place and you take your body with it.
Speaker 4:That's why mindfulness works.
Speaker 4:If you're thinking of like a very calm place, like, imagine, like whatever is your place, like a beach or wilderness, whatever it is. If you're thinking of that space, notice that your breathing is going to change. Whether or not you have tension in your shoulders or in your back, that's going to shift. The tension in your muscles, in your stomach, especially around the abdomen, is going to relax, because your mind went to a positive place and so your body went there. But when your mind goes to a stressful place, it takes it there too, and that's where you get all of that symptomology the tightness, the muscle aches, the digestive issues, the nausea the headaches.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's why, wow, I'm telling you everything has just shifted and great things start coming to you. That you're not even looking for it's just great things start coming to you that you're not even looking for. It's just great things start coming to you. But a lot of times I think as women, as nurturers, as mothers or whatever we take on that nurturing role. But you've got to learn how to put those boundaries up and especially when it starts affecting you physically. I was sick all the time, all the time, and couldn't figure out why.
Speaker 3:I think sometimes, as women, we're trained to take it on because they think we can always handle it. Yeah, we're strong, like we can take on whatever the kids have going on. They always come to us because they know we can handle it. But who do we go to when we need somebody? To Dr Moffitt, it would be a laughing Dr.
Speaker 2:Moffitt, I'm telling you, and.
Speaker 3:I don't know how you do it. Well, I guess you don't take it on, but listening to all these things, does that affect you at all? I'm like, do you need a counselor?
Speaker 4:Yeah, I am all about it. I have definitely used therapy off and on in my lifetime, for sure.
Speaker 3:Wow, that's great, because I'm human.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I can say that just over the years I've kind of heard a lot, so it just I just don't carry it the same way. But yeah, therapists are human.
Speaker 5:So I have a question, Nevermind. No she may not be able to answer If.
Speaker 4:I can, I'll let you know.
Speaker 5:Because so do people come and talk to you and say, for instance, yeah, I want to kill my wife. I think about it every day. What do you do with that? Like I would take that like my nerves. I would go home and I'd be like I probably need to say something Like how do you handle hearing everything from everyone? Because I think I feel like that's a lot for you to carry. That's why I was like do you go to a therapist too? Because I think we had a conversation where we were saying, like law enforcements, counselors, emergency room doctors they need to speak to therapists too, because on a day-to-day they hear they take on a lot and it's just like okay, how are you guys unpacking?
Speaker 5:I mean yeah, guys, unpacking, I mean yeah, so it's just, I feel like everybody needs therapy, that's some kind of way but um I just wonder how do you deal with it?
Speaker 4:I mean, you have keep in mind I've worked in so many different settings. I've worked in psychiatric hospitals, I've worked at Grady.
Speaker 2:I've worked in private practice.
Speaker 4:I've worked in college counseling centers. So, I mean those that are unstable. Yeah, they will have certain fixations of killing someone or doing something, and I'm a mandated reporter.
Speaker 4:I get the proper enforcements involved like the proper law enforcements or whatever involved if there is an imminent threat. As far as the psychological side of it, it's just the way you frame it. That's an individual that is under threat, and so it becomes less about the content and more about how can I create, help this patient or this client, create safety mm-hmm that's what it comes about, and that's why I say it's. Therapists are human and I'm human. Certainly I'm, yeah, but it doesn't.
Speaker 3:I don't hear it the same in lameness ears as I do professionally, and I don't hear it the same in layman's ears, as I do it professionally and I don't hear it the same oh wow, I have a question too. I know well. I'm not sure if it's more so now, but it seems like suicides are going up now and you're especially in younger and younger people and and sometimes I think we look at it, it's like really the person had a great life, like everything was going right for them.
Speaker 3:And with our kids, like sometimes I deal with this, with my teenager being fearful that you know, maybe I can't say something to them the right way because you don't know how they're going to react. And I may be off base, but there's always that fear in my mind that you know, I don't know what's going to set them off and like how do you deal with that? Or how do you suggest talking to people who you may think have, well, I guess, suicidal tendencies or just kind of?
Speaker 4:either generally.
Speaker 3:Yeah, maybe not as stable, but you know, you know it could happen, but you're not sure.
Speaker 4:The best thing I would recommend is whether or not you can do it or get somebody else to do it. It's just make sure that there's somebody asking like, hey, how you doing? You, you have any thoughts. It seems like you're stressing how you dealing with that, just getting them talking about it, removing that stigma. That is not oh. It's okay to say you're not okay, okay, yes. That is number one, because a lot of times people do not have that freedom to not be okay and there's a lot of pressure, especially with these teenagers in high school.
Speaker 4:I mean, life is moving so fast and they're still caught up between transitioning from being a young adult to adult, or a child to this, and they still have the pressures of an adult, maybe very stressful academia. So that's just a lot going on for teenagers and anxiety has really spiked, yeah as a very common diagnosis.
Speaker 4:So best thing to do is talk, listen for the cues, the how are they managing? Like responsibilities. Is anything falling through the cracks? Are they sleeping? Are they eating? Just having eyes on them showing support? Those are the three things that I would recommend, asking point blank. How are you Keep?
Speaker 2:eyes on them, so that, if they don't, know that they are right, you will at least know, and then, lastly, just show love.
Speaker 4:We just need love.
Speaker 5:I think sometimes people don't talk. I went through a situation where I tried to take my life and because I didn't have anyone to talk to, I was secluded from my friends, family and it was just I think it was more so postpartum depression because I just had a baby and I just was overwhelmed it's like oh, I got all these kids, I'm by myself, I don't have anybody to talk to.
Speaker 5:You know, all my friends were working. I was like a stay at home mom, and then my relationship was crazy because he was just running around doing just stupid shit and I was just like I was just so tired. It was like I was tired and I needed somebody to talk to. And I didn't have anybody because I didn't want to be a burden, you know, dropping like, and they'd be like, well, you decided to have them kids, so you just. And so I was like, yeah, I don't want to hear that. And I was just, I was tired and I just took a bunch of pills and I was like, lord, okay, somebody just please take care of my kids, make sure my kids are OK.
Speaker 5:And it was the craziest thing because my sister that I didn't talk to that often, just happened to call and I guess I was on my way out and I answered the phone. I don't know what I said on the phone, but she was in another state and I guess she was like some, she sounds crazy, something wrong with her. And she called the police and then they came and got. I woke up at southern regional, handcuffed to a uh bed. Um, because I guess they commit. They call it a crime when you try and I didn't.
Speaker 5:You know, I'm young like I'm gonna protect you too yeah, and I wake up and I'm like what, what's going on, what's going on. And then, yeah, I just that's a whole nother story in the in the the psychiatric, because I really saw some stuff and I was like, yeah, I think I'm just crazy and just I want to get out of here. And the only way for me to be able to get out was the therapist made me confront the person that was making me feel the way I felt. So they would bring, bring him in, and and he's just sitting there like she just needs to come home and get to the kids. And I'm like, and I'm jumping across the couch still trying to kill him.
Speaker 5:And they was like, yeah, you're her problem and you're not helping her. So, yeah, she has to stay in here a little longer. And I'm like I want to go home. And it was more so like, listen, anna Mae, get it together. I can't be here with these kids all day. Figure it out so you can get home. And I'm just like God and I just felt like, yeah, I'll stay.
Speaker 5:You know, I'm going to stay in here and I had a peace of mind while I was in there and I wound up counseling the other people in there, trying to help them out.
Speaker 2:I wound up causing chaos.
Speaker 5:It was just, oh, I caused chaos in there and they was like, yeah, she need to go um, but um, yeah, they like kicked me yeah, I was like, yeah, um, because there was this one girl who had never looked at herself in the mirror like she had.
Speaker 5:She, she has had this thing with mirrors. And she was saying, like what are these things on my teeth? She had braces and I was like they're braces. And she said what do I look like? I said you're pretty and you're tall and you're slim, you have long hair, you have big, pretty eyes. And she was like and then, um, what is? And I was like this lady has never looked in a mirror. She was a younger woman. I was like, well, I don't think it'll hurt you. And then she like, oh, my god, they was like get her out of here.
Speaker 5:She needs to leave like she is she is doing too much.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was, oh God, You're supposed to be in there for yourself. I was helping out.
Speaker 5:I was like, no, it ain't no problem it ain't no problem with me, we just had a slip-up, we fine. So.
Speaker 3:I'm just trying to help everybody.
Speaker 1:The turns the story. You made that story into a comedy. We were so ready to cry with you, and then two seconds later I'm like wait what? Because I don't want to cry.
Speaker 5:So, yeah, yeah, it's just I didn't have anybody to talk to, so I think sometimes people don't talk, they don't know who to talk to, who let in. So I think that's just, you just never know when people are thinking and where their head is at. You just don't know. And it could be the people like you said. Oh, they had a great life, they seemed happy, and on the inside you're just like, oh gosh, I'm just so sick of this life. You just, I don't know I overcame it. I really think it was postpartum.
Speaker 2:Yeah geez.
Speaker 5:But now I'm scared. I'm like did I pass it on to my kids? Like I'm always scared that for me to even have that thought and to go that far that it may be something that I could potentially pass on to my kids. I don't think it would be genetically or anything like that, but I'm like I don't ever want them to feel like that and have that thought. And my one of my, my kids, you know they're they're mental, it's not as strong as I would like. So I'm always like, oh, and I'm so fearful. When she's like I'm just sick of my kids. You know their mental is not as strong as I would like. So I'm always like oh, and I'm so fearful when she's like I'm just sick of my life, and I'm like no, please, god. And so that triggers me when she says that, because I'm scared and I'm like I don't know what. I was like Do you want to go see a doctor? And I was like do you want to? I got somebody you can talk to find someone for her to talk to. And I'm like I know you don't want to talk to me, but you can, but she doesn't want to. And I'm like well, I can put you in therapy. I can, and she's in therapy, but I'm like, what is he saying to you? Because you're still like freaking out about stuff and I think as a therapist I felt like he should be helping her out more.
Speaker 5:She just the kids call them crash outs where they just go crazy. And I'm like you, you know, I'm always saying you're beautiful, you're successful, and stop. I feel like social media is putting a lot of pressure on these young adults because they're looking at kids their age that might live in a high rise and drive. And I'm not where I need to be in my life. I'm just sick of this life and I'm like, please, god, stop saying it, no, please, and stop putting that pressure on yourself. You are doing great the way you are and just it's so stressful with kids, just, and I'm always just imploring her Please, talk to me, please talk to me. If you don't want to talk to me, go talk to your siblings or it's just, it's scary.
Speaker 3:If they're going through something we have never gone through with social media. Yeah, it's like hard to address that.
Speaker 5:I don't know what don't say if you haven't been there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like every day, we're not on our phones. We talk to each other. We went outside and played, but now every day they're on the phone or a laptop or something judged by the world, yeah and is this?
Speaker 1:it's different you guys have younger children even I mean, you have young adults, but you, you have a young adult daughter, but but you also have a teenager. You know she's still a teen, so I can't imagine motherhood at this age I'm glad mine's a little bit older.
Speaker 2:But do you remember the I think I said it to all of us in one of our group feeds where there was a mom who was on TikTok or something and she actually said that she's traumatized at being a mom as an with adult kids now older kids because she said she thought that at a certain age, when they graduated, turned 18 or whatever, it shut off and she said so her thing is, I'm still every single day realizing for the rest of my life.
Speaker 2:Every time one of them have an issue, I'm the person they call and while I love them. It feels like it's a dumping ground and if you, if you can't help, almost you just feel so guilty and she's like I feel like I have PTSD from being a mom.
Speaker 2:Yes, I mean, but like I really could relate to her when she was saying that it's like how do you, how do we? Turn it off is the wrong term, so I don't mean turn it off, I think you're all the parents love your children but like, how do you just breathe? How do you? You go on with your life, understanding. And what are the words that you say? The terms, the, the boundary, the what in love?
Speaker 4:well, we train people how to treat us. So if that individual, so if that individual becomes used to the fact that sometimes mama is not available to me as her adult child, she loves me, but she has these other identities identity as a businesswoman, identity as a social person, identity as a spiritual person, whatever these other hats are. If you've had that conversation with your adult child, they understand it's not about you. It doesn't mean that my love for you shuts off. It doesn't mean that I don't have your back if you really need me. It does mean that you're not going to always be able to reach me right exactly the minute that you need to reach me, and that's still okay because I have equipped you with what you can do until you get with me and you have other supports. You have a village, hopefully.
Speaker 4:If there's not a village in place, okay, that's step one you got to put some other people in place, but other than that, you set the boundaries and you turn it off by turning on some of the things going on with those other identities understood sometimes it's hard to set boundaries with your adult children, with your children, because I just got a voicemail the other day because I've set boundaries.
Speaker 5:you guys figure it out. That's my thing now, because I know I've done what I needed to do and I'm not going to be as accessible to you. But then I'll get a voicemail, a message on my phone. I don't care if you're on a date, you answer the phone for us and I'm like they're bullying me, like I'm being like cyber bullied from my kids because I set that boundary, and I'm like well, how did you respond?
Speaker 4:My girl, please, and.
Speaker 5:I'll clap my phone and put it up. Respond, my girl, please. And I'll clap my phone and put it up. No, no, you're gonna be okay and I never. I didn't respond, but I'm like, how dare you like? And that's that, that entitlement. And because I've set this boundary, um, and I did the other day just text, did a group chat I have a group chat with my kids and I was like I'm so proud of the adults that you guys have become and that you're so self-sufficient and you're making things happen on your own. Just to kind of push that out there like don't call me like you guys are like doing so great.
Speaker 5:I love this, just I love you. Don't call me with.
Speaker 4:these mean messages like yeah, so A little validation doesn't hurt. I'm doing some psychology on them. I'm like yeah, You're doing great.
Speaker 5:Keep doing it, leave me alone.
Speaker 1:Well, I think it's great to even acknowledge that we're not perfect, that we're not perfect and there's no set handbook on how to live your life, there's no set handbook how to handle your children, there's no set handbook on how to be a mother. And we say this all the time that you just do the best you can with the knowledge that you have at that moment. And I tell my son that all the time it's like I didn't, I wasn't perfect, but I did the best I could with what I thought I was doing. That was, that was what I know. I knew what to do and you know. And now you know when they come back and tell you well, you know it wasn't that perfect mom, or wasn't that? Because you cannot tell me. My son didn't have a great childhood. Now what I? I always carried a little bit of guilt because he was raised in more of a single family home. I was married when we had them, but we divorced when he was very young.
Speaker 1:So I always made sure, I think I overcompensated to make sure he always knew he was loved um his. I wasn't one of those parents that you got him every two weeks or you got him every other weekend or whatever. Whenever he said I want daddy, I was like, well, hey, your son wants you, you know you can go. I never had him for holidays. He was never with me for the holidays and I know like at the time my mother was like he just had him for Thanksgiving. He's gone for Christmas. I was like hell, yeah, that's a break for me.
Speaker 5:That's a holiday. Every day, every day, that's a holiday. I got it every day.
Speaker 1:Let him go. He would be gone the entire summer. He would be gone every single holiday.
Speaker 2:And part of that also too was.
Speaker 1:I came from a small family and his father was from a large family. I can't give him that.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know what?
Speaker 1:I'm saying that experience that, yeah, you know what I'm saying. That experience like I loved my cousins growing up and all those different. I couldn't give him that, so I wanted him to to have all those experiences. But I thought, doing the right thing. I want you to be able to see your dad when you want to. And then how? Somehow that was interpreted as if I didn't want you around, like don't go.
Speaker 2:I can't remember, you know around like oh, go on.
Speaker 4:I can't win for losing you know what?
Speaker 1:I'm saying, but having to explain that to your child, you know like it's always it's just, parenthood is hard.
Speaker 3:Parenthood is hard.
Speaker 1:They don't think you can't win, you can't, you can't win for losing sometimes when they say it's a double-edged sword.
Speaker 5:No matter which direction you go, it's not perfect. I think the younger generation realizes that parenthood is hard because they're not having babies yeah, they're having.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a lot of them don't want kids.
Speaker 5:They are not having children because I want grandchildren so bad. You're gonna look at all the cameras yeah, I just. But my kids are like no, we saw the struggle you went through and just all they were like no, please God, I still gave y'all a great life. Like I felt like, and maybe for them it wasn't enough, you know. So I'm just like well.
Speaker 3:Lola's on hold. Lola's on hold.
Speaker 1:Lola and who is Lola.
Speaker 5:I'm not a grandma, I want to be a Lola.
Speaker 3:A Lola, yeah, I got you.
Speaker 5:Grandma in the Philippines.
Speaker 3:Grandma from the Philippines. I'm not Filipino, but I want to be a Lola.
Speaker 1:One day, one day.
Speaker 4:One day. You know, one of the things that I heard between both of you is the concept of enough. It doesn't have to be perfection to be enough. I know, and you can reiterate with your kids that, no, I wasn't perfect and yeah, we did have some bumps here and there, but it was enough to get you where you are. Thank you, it was enough to get you where you can make your own decisions. It was enough to get you to where you are.
Speaker 2:You can reiterate that?
Speaker 4:in your mind, to yourself, what I had was enough, was even even when I didn't think it was. It was enough, where your son obviously felt open enough to have certain dialogues with you, tough conversations with you.
Speaker 5:Even it was enough, dang we don't give ourselves credit, don't give yourself that pat on the back.
Speaker 3:We're a good mom.
Speaker 2:We're a board, but part of it is when they're saying it to you it hurts.
Speaker 1:Like they done, shot you in the chest.
Speaker 2:It hurts a lot and I think that you can almost relive it and for me it is okay. You've said it once, I understand it, I get it, but you know children will keep trying to get dead with the exact same thing over and over again, and so a part of that is being able to say you know what I genuinely and with intention, apologize, forgive myself, and you just have to move on, because otherwise you keep stabbing yourself every time you hear it, and that can be very painful.
Speaker 4:You guys set again boundaries and limits. We've had this conversation. What do you need from me? Moving forward, like, okay, I can do that, I cannot do that, you're going to have to find another source for that. Just really setting limits and still saying, okay, but everything I said that I'm going to do this is how we're going to make this work. And so, even with that, you can still appreciate their experience because, however they interpreted it or whatever they thought happened, it hurt. Yeah, yeah, it hurt. Like okay, validate that experience and, at the same time, protect what you have, like what you need to see and how you need to live and how you progress from the experience.
Speaker 2:And I think another part of it is, my mother used to say this wait until you have children yeah, just wait, and so the fact that they're not, and I'm okay with that, but the fact that they're not having children, some of these things they may not ever be able to align with or really understand. You know what I mean, because I do think that's a true statement some things you don't understand it until you're there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know I mean, there's nothing I can do about that but yeah, because I'm, I'm like Stephanie, I'm not rushing it.
Speaker 2:Not that I mean either way. I just have this thing for me that what they do like the government almost I don't I can't tell you what to do with your body. I cannot tell them because you know you can't just drop them off and never come back. So because of that I can't tell you how to do it, when to do it, and if they choose not to, that's just a personal decision and I don't have any emotions or feelings around it at all to be honest, I mean not that I'm not sensitive to it right, that's not what I mean.
Speaker 2:I'm sure if I had one, they'd be all over the country with me and my one daughter in Mexico said yeah, mom, you'll be here, you're not taking my child all over the place.
Speaker 4:So you get what I'm saying, but I'm not like oh, when's it coming, and that type of thing.
Speaker 2:But so a couple of them don't never really truly understand that feeling in a motion.
Speaker 3:I feel like we focus on the kids a lot, but we need to focus going up to our parents and older people too, how they are not as open to therapy and sometimes conversations that we need to have with them. How do you start those conversations with people from the older generation so they kind of realize where we are and they can understand where their grandkids are and you know the younger generation is?
Speaker 4:Well, there's some valid gaps there. I mean in the older generations look at what they were experiencing in their lifetime, In their life at that time, I mean in the older generations, look at what they were experiencing in their life, in their life at that time. I mean the Tuskegee experiment. You know that didn't instill trust.
Speaker 5:Yeah right, Professionals.
Speaker 4:So some of those gaps are going to be there. And then you do have some people in older generations who are more progressive. You know they're more with it. They will be swayed to find trusting individuals, especially since there's a lot more diversity in the medical community than what used to be there 40, 50 years ago. Yeah, so it just depends. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think for when I think of my parents or things like that, my father's 74 years old right now, my mother's deceased and at some point I had to just make peace for me that those experiences got me to where I am today and as part of who I am today, and as part of who I am today and and having a conversation really with myself to try to figure out what my scars are, sitting down and talking with the therapist but I'm not going to be able to resolve those things with my parents and, to be honest, I don't want to sit down with my 74 year old dad and talking about stuff that happened 30 and 40 years ago, because in reality, my father doesn't have another 30 to 40 years.
Speaker 1:He'll be happy. I'll unpack my own shit you know what I'm saying and handle my own stuff and just continue to try to be the best daughter that I can be to you. And, whatever happened, I forgive you, I forgive myself. That's part of it. I forgive myself. I forgive you Because you just did the best that you could do and the realm of things I had a great childhood. Of course, there's little things here and here and there and you know what?
Speaker 1:Now, as being a parent, I forgive you, because I'm sure I'm doing just as bad or worse or you know what I'm saying. I forgive you and just leaving it at that with my older parents, but finding that peace for me. But I don't have to spill that on him, I don't want to interrupt his peace he's 74, but we don't talk about what we did happen at 12. You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 3:he's 74 10 years old. You know what I'm saying and I'm still carrying this with me. You know what I'm saying but he's 74.
Speaker 1:I love you, dad. I forgive you and that's it. And for a lot of people.
Speaker 2:It's just well. I find that with a lot of folks it's easier to keep just blaming somebody and carrying the trauma, because I think some people are addicted to trauma they choose to carry it, so they just keep blaming somebody else instead of stepping up and saying I need to deal with this. I'm an adult, I need to figure it out. Yeah, address it like kind of what we're doing now and yeah, and I don't know if that's really a thing of addicted to trauma, you know people some people are yes, they are identity.
Speaker 2:I just, I watch people, especially at my age. I'm watching people and I'm like this is almost an addiction for you. You like this, you like to keep saying the same thing you like to feel like you, like the feeling of not feeling good and pain and you don't know anything. Okay, the cycle and I'm just like because to your point, you know at a certain age, like my mom, she'll be 81, 81 or 82, but it's just like I, just I'm not gonna beat you up and hurt you.
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm just not, but I let you choose to get off the roller coaster I did.
Speaker 2:That's what I say. I'm the merry-go-round the merry-go-round. You gotta just choose to get off the merry-go-round and when you take a look back at their lives and what you're going through now, it's like, oh, I don't want to get rid of all that you know you make conscious decisions and choices about how relevant it really is now.
Speaker 2:What's relevant for me is what I'm giving to myself, how I choose to show up, how I choose to heal, how I choose to interact and all of those things, and so I forgive her, I forgive myself, I forgive myself, and move on.
Speaker 1:Good job. Thank you, Dr Bob.
Speaker 3:I was supposed to be in therapy two weeks ago.
Speaker 1:We don't talk Monday, we don't get on the calendar because I got a whole lot of stuff. I don't know if mine isn't as intense as Stephanie's, but it's up there. I got a lot going on, well, a lot of people underestimate the power of the present moment.
Speaker 4:Yes, because it's in this moment where you can unglue yourself from what has happened and what has been and the cycles going on. It's where you can really make the decision, the actual choice of how do you want to feel.
Speaker 3:Where do you want to?
Speaker 4:go. Say that again. It's in this present moment where you can make the decision of how you want to feel. Yes, where do you want to go? Yes, and then you get the resources or the pieces in place to make that happen you want to feel happy. Okay, what makes you happy?
Speaker 3:what makes you happy if you don't?
Speaker 2:know, the answer to that, then okay we do some homework there.
Speaker 1:All that happens in the present moment oh, I think I do a good job of it, or I'm trying. I'm getting to that Because I think I've come to that realization of that and now it's taken the journey to get there. To get there Because I love my peace.
Speaker 2:And I love my joy.
Speaker 1:And I don't want to go backwards Absolutely. So what do I need to do to make sure it continues and it just gets better?
Speaker 4:Just to do to make sure it continues and it just gets better, just practice because there's a lot of noise. What happened before is real.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 4:The people in your life that trigger you are real. Yes, all of the stressors are real.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 4:They're noise that you have to set limits. If you can, take breaks away from it, if you can, and just make a decision that this part or this part of the day or this hour I'm gonna be here. Where's here, here's where my feet are, and wherever my mind tries to leave, I'm gonna bring that little puppy back and say okay we're gonna sit right and do the work that I need to do so that I can be okay and I limit my time with people that, um, that are stressors for me or just disruptors or chaos like they don't know it, because
Speaker 2:I don't think that it's worth sitting down and having those conversations, especially if they're like family or somebody close, but I've realized that I've learned how to limit my time. I love you. We'll have quick conversations. I'm intentional about interacting and connecting on my terms, but I don't spend a lot of time with those people because I just choose not to give my energy in those places and, and I don't even realize it because I'm being proactive in how I manage them. Because they were managing crazy emotions in me and I was like no.
Speaker 1:All right ladies. Well, I'm going to tell y'all right now, if y'all ain't subscribed by now, we're just getting started. We got a whole lot more unpacking. Well, I'm sure we're going to have to have you come back. We're going to have to have you come back again because by next week we'll have some new shit, something new, something new. Get Dr Angela back in, but thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 4:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2:So much for joining us.
Speaker 1:And I hope this gives people like we always say, you never know what people are going through and I hope this gives people, especially people in the black community, to know that therapy is is much needed.
Speaker 1:It's much needed as I don't think it's as taboo as it used to be, and whatever you need to do to find that peace and that joy in your happy space and your happy place and what we say live in the present. To find your, your happiness in the moment, in the present, do what you got to do and if that's there because dr angela, dr angela. Actually, how do they, how can they find you?
Speaker 4:they can google my name. I'm have a website, uh, wwwangelamontfortcom, that's m-o-n-T-F-O-R-T.
Speaker 1:Thank you All. Right, dot com, and she is right here in Atlanta.
Speaker 1:But you do virtual too, I do, she does virtual too, so y'all make sure you guys contact Dr Angela, because we will be Stephanie, we will, we will be and I will be contacting you Monday because I've been supposedly coming to see you for the longest we can get on the schedule because I got a lot of stuff. But thank you guys for joining us. And this is Allegra, with Timeless and Unfiltered. This is Stephanie, this is Charisse, this is Evania, and we're going to keep on spilling the tea on Midlife, one laugh at a time. You guys make sure you go subscribe. Thank you guys, and thank you, dr Angela. Thank you.
