Confronting Childhood Trauma - Part 1

Facing the past isn’t easy… Join us as we confront childhood trauma and begin the healing.

Transcript

Confronting Childhood Scars

Speaker 1 0:00

best as she could . I know that now as a mother .

Speaker 2 0:03

As a parent , I know that now right , but it took years . Throughout a large part of my adult life , I really thought I was a nobody . What I accepted from other people , what I accepted in relationships , what I accepted from people that I thought were my friends , was crazy as hell . We have such a huge impact on our children . I can look in and see the things and the flaws and it's okay .

Speaker 4 0:43

This is Legra .

Speaker 5 0:47

This is Stephanie , this is Cherie .

Speaker 3 0:55

And this is Ivanya , and this is Timeless and Unfiltered where we are spilling the tea on midlife . One laugh at a time . That was so funny . I'm Stephanie , I'm Cherise and I'm Evanya where we are spilling the tea on midlife .

Speaker 4 1:12

One laugh at a time and we're asking everyone to like follow and subscribe .

Speaker 3 1:17

We are asking everyone , we are asking everyone y'all don't want me to cuss .

Speaker 4 1:22

We're asking everyone politely to like , follow and subscribe .

Speaker 3 1:26

We love you . Hey , sanher , she said love you . Well , hey , this episode probably is going to be a little bit more serious . Yeah , and it just came across my mind because the last episode where we were talking about self-care , where we were talking about self-care , and it just made me think of some of the things that , just listening to all of our conversations , some of the things that we've brought from childhood with us , that we are still carrying today , good or bad Right .

Speaker 3 1:58

Good or bad and , as y'all can see , I'm sorry . The fifth co-host started the show with us today , because this hot flash has been lasting about 10 minutes . I'm trying to get through it . But hello , welcome to menopause and midlife . Okay , um , but it made me think about some of the things , or , when I listen to your stories , some of the things that I think may have triggered like you still have triggers you still have trauma that even we don't even realize we're carrying it .

Speaker 3 2:25

I just want to say for the record stephanie , your hair is killing right now I'm looking at the print . Turn to the camera so you can see the design and the print . And I was just like come on , stephanie , she's so jazzy the original barber doll hello , you did it yourself .

Speaker 4 2:37

No , oh the lady that cuts my hair . Her name is the original barber , doll .

Speaker 5 2:43

Okay , well , shout out to the camera . That's right , the original barber doll .

Speaker 4 2:46

Okay , where'd they find her ? She bad , where'd she ?

Speaker 2 2:48

go Katie On .

Speaker 4 2:48

Instagram Original barber doll that's a cute doll .

Speaker 3 2:52

That's a cute doll , I love that . Yeah , she slayed your hair .

Speaker 1 2:55

She's a famous barber .

Speaker 3 3:00

She cuts famous people Us . Are we doing ?

Speaker 5 3:02

the same clips , the same clippers . Put his clippers on me , girl .

Speaker 3 3:06

Yes , yes , yes . I just had to say that I called a look and I was like , okay , we'll come through here . Thank , you but yeah , I just think . It just made me think about some of the things that I didn't realize I was carrying , as we were talking about just even our self-care and how we take care of ourselves , or don't take care of ourselves and the things that we pass on to our kids .

Speaker 3 3:27

I was thinking about , you know , the things I said I passed on to my son , and it just made me wonder like , hey , amanda , what else am I dealing with that I'm really not dealing with . Right , so I thought we'd sit back today and talk about some of our childhood triggers , trauma . And this is actually part one . Part two , we're going to have Dr Angela Montfort come on and sit down and talk with us . What do you guys ?

Speaker 1 3:50

think about that . Yeah , I think that's good Okay .

Speaker 3 3:51

Now we know we have some people who are very private and who don't like sharing her business . So whatever you , like to share or don't share for the world to see whatever we want to share or don't share is completely up to you , or how deep you want to go into . It is completely up to you . No , there's no pressure .

Speaker 4 4:11

No pressure .

Speaker 3 4:19

I was thinking about when I was younger . I think about what kind of drives me even to today is I think about my mother . I think about how hard my mother died at the age of 54 .

Speaker 5 4:45

I'm 55 .

Speaker 1 4:47

I'm 55 .

Speaker 3 4:48

Wow , and I remember coming up to my 54th birthday and I remember actually when I hit 50 , even though you don't realize you're doing it in the back of my head I was counting down to 54 . Because my mother was in our minds pillar of health right , she ain't healthy . She looked great , boom , she said boom . She gone like that quick . So in my mind I've always was counting down to 54 and I know that her death mean it doesn't have anything , but it's just something that just it do .

Speaker 3 5:27

That's just there . So I remember for my 54th birthday . I remember how monumental it was and it was something about 55 . I even mentioned it to my son , like I made it like I made it , whatever that was .

Speaker 3 5:38

I got past that , that I didn't realize . Even with that I had a fear of dying for about four or five years . No , and that was just because my mother passed unexpectedly . I don't know . I don't have a relationship with a lot of the side of her family . I've just recently reconnected with one of my aunts , which I'm very happy and excited about and honestly don't know why we disconnected . So I don't really have family history to know . Like is there something that runs in my family ? Like , even when my mother passed , her death was labeled heart failure . When they don't know what's wrong your heart stopped , it's called heart failure . And when they don't have a specific reason , it's labeled heart failure because your heart stopped . But we really don't know what was wrong with my mother Dang .

Speaker 2 6:32

So I had this .

Speaker 4 6:33

She didn't have a diagnosis .

Speaker 3 6:34

No , they had no idea what was wrong with my mother .

Speaker 5 6:38

That is the leading cause of death around women , isn't it ?

Speaker 3 6:40

Heart failure and that's why , Well the thing was when she had first taken ill , they actually had the CDC come in . They took 94 vials of blood from my mother because they couldn't diagnose what was going on so like she got to have something rare or something whatever , and over the course of time they they had her in intensive care . They took over 94 vials of blood .

Speaker 4 7:07

And still couldn't determine .

Speaker 3 7:08

No .

Speaker 4 7:09

Come on .

Speaker 3 7:09

She was healthy . But why is she here ? Why is she have fluid around her heart , fluid around her lungs , all those kinds of things ? But there was no . They couldn't medically diagnose what was going on with her . So , but when she passed and if you , when they can't give you a diagnosis your heart did stop . Yeah , so it's called heart failure .

Speaker 1 7:33

So her diagnosis was heart failure .

Speaker 3 7:35

And . But y'all said her heart was fine , she had a cardiologist . But when your heart stopped it failed Right . So heart failure . But really you don't know why heart stop , it failed , right . So heart failure , but really you don't know why . So I think I realized and this was a new realization

Living Under a Countdown

Speaker 3 7:50

that I think one reason why I've worked so hard the last couple years because I'm I was doing a countdown yeah how old were you ?

Speaker 5 7:59

when your mother passed 30 , 30 something girl .

Speaker 3 8:04

I can't even remember 30 something , yeah , but she was only 54 but she was 54 in a pillar of health and then boom , she was gone . And it was so quick and it was instant and there was no no , I think , gosh , my grandmother died at 55 .

Speaker 4 8:22

And I thought that was old until now . At that time , yeah , and now I'm like oh , that was young . That's young and I think you don't understand it until you get closer to that age and you're like , oh no , I'm still moving , I'm vibrant . And you're like , no , I still feel good and young .

Speaker 5 8:37

So I realized she was young when she passed , my grandma was 65 and I feel the same with my mom because my mom got into her 60s and I'm like you see , you're doing the countdown .

Speaker 3 8:47

Because you don't know , you know and I think when it happens early like that , it puts something in your brain but I did not realize . For the last couple of years I've been doing the countdown so I work like crazy and I just obviously had that realization . Probably a couple of years I've been doing a countdown so I worked like crazy and I just obviously had that realization probably a couple of days ago so that's something that needs to be unpacked .

Speaker 3 9:09

Yeah , yeah well , the great thing is , cherise introduced me to dr Angela and we're getting ready to start . We're gonna sit down and actually have some private therapy sessions because I got a whole lot of other shit I need to unpack .

Speaker 1 9:22

But it ain't just that y'all , it ain't just that .

Speaker 3 9:26

But I got a whole lot of other shit I need to unpack but I didn't realize I have been living under a countdown .

Speaker 5 9:33

I think we all kind of live under a clock some type of way . We think that we know the day is coming . We don't know when and then now I feel like I'm starting to see a lot of younger people pass earlier .

Speaker 4 9:44

When I was younger .

Speaker 5 9:45

I didn't see it . Everybody who passed was old . I remember my family was old by the time I came around , but then the older , I got classmates started passing .

Speaker 1 9:52

co-workers started passing and I'm like oh so my brother passed .

Speaker 5 9:57

He was 30 . Like , a lot of stuff starts hitting you Was your brother ill ? He was not . That was a whole other story . Running from the cops , oh no . Yeah but yeah , that's a whole other thing . But you realize now that tomorrow really isn't a promise to anybody Like anything . First of all , a car can hit you . You never know , but illness can hit you like suddenly , you just don't know . So you do have to live for today . You do have to live for today .

Speaker 4 10:24

You do have to realize that whatever you can do today , get it done today , whatever trip you want to take , take it now , because you don't know , next year you're going to be here to do it , so , or if you lock down in your house and can't go nowhere that's true , covid .

Speaker 3 10:33

Yeah , that traumatized me . Yeah , covid traumatized you .

Speaker 4 10:36

Yes , god that's why I get out and do everything I want to do . I used to procrastinate , but I procrastinate . I think a lot of people realize that we took a lot of things for granted , like being able to go to a restaurant and sit down and eat , to be able to go to a friend's house , to be able to travel . Was it like a year ? They had us on lock ? Things were like . That traumatized me . I didn't like being shut in and shut away like that .

Speaker 5 11:04

So that's what I do . It was scary and the people were dying in the hospital and you couldn't even see your loved ones you had to say goodbye on a laptop or it's like , yeah , that , that was scary that was and that's like why I don't watch the news to this day , because you know they used to have the .

Speaker 4 11:18

We have two million people now infected and every day and I was like was like , this is my anxiety , I can't take this , and I stopped watching it because it was just so so terrible . It traumatized me . I think it traumatized a lot of people . It really did though it really did .

Speaker 3 11:34

It made me lazy Really , that damn Uber Eats came out and Instacart .

Speaker 1 11:41

To this day .

Speaker 3 11:42

I don't go to the grocery store and I was like you gotta stop doing that because you're spending a lot of money on fees .

Speaker 4 11:47

Yeah , and the sad part is . It's about three minutes from your house yeah , the grocery store lady , I don't think I gotta put on clothes yes , that part you have to put on clothes stuck in the house . No right , I was like COVID changed my habits .

Speaker 3 12:03

My habits . It did you know I loved . I love wearing heels and stuff , but you ain't gonna do that around the house .

Speaker 1 12:10

I'm in sweats . I ain't even got to comb my hair .

Speaker 3 12:12

I ain't even got my wig on . If I don't feel like it , I can wear a bonnet all day .

Speaker 2 12:17

Yeah , covid definitely changed people . It just even mental health , like , if you think about it , we started talking about mental health during COVID because it impacted everybody in such a different way and so much .

Speaker 5 12:30

I realize how much . You miss being with people and around people you do .

Speaker 2 12:34

Yeah , you do , just staying at home and eating . I mean we just ate .

Speaker 5 12:40

It was so funny , I wanted to hug . So bad I was calling my aunts and everybody I was like I miss you . I just want a hug like you couldn't hug people like you can't touch people and people you know where , everybody you know you didn't know if they were affected or not . You had a test . I just need a hug .

Speaker 4 12:53

It was just so terrible , yeah , so that would affect people's mental health yeah , and it changed the world .

Speaker 2 12:58

Think about it . You used to be able to call your doctor and get in in at a week within a week .

Speaker 3 13:10

Now you wait six , seven months . I mean COVID changed everything . That was really traumatic . Did any of you lose ?

Speaker 4 13:14

anyone close to you due to COVID . No , thank you , Jesus . You know what I didn't , I did not .

Speaker 3 13:17

Well , I mean , first of all , I can barely remember yesterday , let alone COVID . But to my knowledge , look , look . I don't want to say I didn't and be like girl you lost you , and be like , oh lord , I forgot .

Speaker 2 13:27

Um , to my knowledge , I don't think I lost anybody directly to me I've heard of people passing , but no one that I know I didn't that was such a blessing , though .

Speaker 3 13:37

But have you , is there something that you realize you're still dealing with , or or something that from your childhood that that you're still carrying with you , that still affects you ? Yeah , that catches you . I mean that you're aware of , because a lot of stuff we're not even aware of yeah , I am , and I know I need to talk to somebody .

Speaker 4 13:57

I say that all the time I just feel like I ain't got time . But yeah , just feel like I ain't got time , but yeah , so , like you've mentioned , um , as far as content , you , you know , take pictures of yourself and do this and I don't .

Speaker 3 14:12

I hate and I'm so mad we didn't get a video of you the other night . That outfit you had on the other night , I don't like taking pictures .

Speaker 4 14:20

It is because my grandma rest in peace . Um , I think 10th grade my school pictures that came in and I was like , oh my god , I just look so ugly , I just look so terrible . And she's like well , pictures never lie . Is that what your grandmother said ?

Speaker 5 14:35

oh my , god and when I tell you .

Speaker 4 14:36

I have carried that , yes , my whole life .

Speaker 5 14:38

I do not like taking pictures , I'm just like , yeah , but sometimes it's not about looking cute , it's about the moment , so it's not like you have to take a picture just to share it . All the time . I think now , with Instagram and everything , you always want to take a picture that's shareable , and I'll tell you this story . The last time I was with my brother and my mom and his girlfriend , we all went to Copeland's and my mom was like all right , let's go , just take a picture . I was like now , mom's go , I'm ready to go , I don't want to take the picture . And that was the last time that I saw him .

Speaker 1 15:03

Next time I saw him , he was in the hospital bed .

Speaker 5 15:04

Oh Jesus , and so I remember that and I was like , no , I'll just take the picture .

Speaker 1 15:08

That's why I said just take the picture .

Speaker 2 15:14

Because , even if it's not a great picture , it's still a memory . Yeah , just , I understand yours and I understand yours and for your grandma , your grandmother , your mother , whoever to say something like that to you would have to be trying to be funny with it , but

COVID's Lasting Impact on Mental Health

Speaker 2 15:30

as it's just the way you talk . It's hard .

Speaker 4 15:37

Yeah so .

Speaker 2 15:38

I , just , I just . You are beautiful . You should take a lot of pictures .

Speaker 4 15:44

Yes , some people are photogenic .

Speaker 3 15:47

I know my ministry is not being photogenic . Well , cut your head off , because your fashion is fierce Everything .

Speaker 4 15:53

You got no package . That's something .

Speaker 3 15:55

I'm going to walk on .

Speaker 2 15:56

I can't judge y'all .

Speaker 3 15:56

That's no . That's something you're going to walk on . You're out of my head .

Speaker 5 15:59

What would Stephanie wear ? What would Stephanie put together what I'm out of my head ? What was Stephanie wearing ? What was Stephanie ?

Speaker 3 16:04

put together . What am I going to ?

Speaker 5 16:04

do . How can I look like Stephanie today ? Stephanie's got to go in there .

Speaker 4 16:06

I don't have no ugly friends . Oh Well , that ain't on purpose . You said I don't , that's not on purpose . I don't have ugly friends .

Speaker 2 16:12

But the first step is recognizing it who the ugly one is .

Speaker 4 16:26

So you recognize a problem with it . Take pictures . I will always . I always look down and then people will comment like why are you always ? I'm like don't worry about my face , just look at the clothes . Yeah , but that's a good thing unpacker .

Speaker 2 16:35

We talked about this before for me specifically , and I always say this y'all do . I always say this y'all know .

Speaker 3 16:41

I always say this Don't crush me , my mom , I'm not , don't , don't , don't , I'm not .

Speaker 2 16:44

I'm not , I'm not my mom did the very best that she could . I know that now as a mother , as a parent , I know that now right , but it took years . And so when we start talking about unpacking to be an adult with children and you realize that certain parts of you were impacted , for something that happened long ago , and so one of the things that and I always say this somebody saying to you who do you think you are as a kid , Think about this . You hear people today say that to their kids yeah who do you think you are ?

Speaker 2 17:24

because it's probably a learned behavior , but for throughout a large part of my adult life .

Speaker 2 17:33

Go ahead , let it go for a large part of my adult life . A lot of the things that I went through I probably didn't have to , but it had to do with the fact that I really thought I was a nobody and so what I accepted from other people , what I accepted in relationships , what I accepted from people that I thought were my friends , was crazy as hell . But if in your brain you're a nobody and parents don't start out trying most because there's some crazy ones out here , but I don't believe they try to hurt their children it's just learned behaviors , it's cycles that we go through . How do we break those cycles ? Because I wish I would have broke this , okay , okay , a long time ago . Because I think about some of the things I passed on to my daughters , not knowing you know what I mean . It wasn't like I was a bad parent , I just didn't know . So I didn't say those things to them .

Speaker 2 18:51

But what were the things that I was supposed to say ? What didn't I say ? What ? What you know , what should I have said ? We have such , a , such a huge impact on our children , you know , and those things we carry , like how you carry drawers , you know , those things that we carry and we keep pushing on and then our grandchildren go through it and we watch it . We watch our kids do it , because not that any of us have grandkids , but we don't know . Nobody sit down and tell us we don't thank God for therapy . You know what I mean Because I was able to get it . But think about this Some people literally live and die and they never heal .

Speaker 2 19:41

They never unpack . They never get to understand . Right . You'll have the parents that you can go back and say that to and they'll fight you . They , they'll fight you , they won't apologize , especially the older they are , and one of the things that was amazing for me was to be able to apologize to my children for for whatever it was , you know because we don't know , and your kids will come back and tell you . They will tell you you could think you're the best parent in the world and it hurts , they are going and it hurt like hell .

Speaker 2 20:20

Apologize , because it is their experience and no matter what it is we think we did or didn't do . If they're telling us our experience , they just want I'm sorry , I apologize , and it doesn't even matter if you don't know , if you didn't know , give them what they need so that they can heal and like . For me , I'm realizing that as I heal myself , I am healing my daughters , you know , and I'm healing the women around me and I'm healing a greater , you know , a greater circle , a bigger circle outside of myself because I can look in and see the things and the flaws and it's okay .

Speaker 4 21:02

You know , I think parents should start doing temperature checks with their children Every couple months , every couple years , you know ? Do you have something you want to share ? Have I made you feel some kind of way ? I think that should be something normal , because as my kids have gotten older , they've come to me and tell you know , tell me like you hurt my feelings back in the day when you said , oh my god , I'm so sorry , you know , because I didn't know , and so I think it may need to be a new norm for people . Just , I call them temperature checks .

Speaker 4 21:31

Just check in with your kids and you know , see , is there anything I can do to help , even if they don't go to therapy ? Because I think , like you said , the kids will come tell you and you'll sit there like shit on a stick and just like , oh my god , I'm so sorry and I'm like sorry , sorry , sorry , and I , I'm sorry my kids to death . And I'm like I , I , you know , and not making up excuses , I explain and then a lot of like you don't have to explain because they've done therapy themselves , where they're like we understand you were a kid raising kids , right , so we don't hold it against you and it took for them to get older and kind of see , but I'm like , dang , if I would have checked in or if they

Breaking the Cycles We Pass Down

Speaker 4 22:10

would have been vocal enough then , but they were probably scared they're gonna get a whooping or something , so they probably didn't want to say anything , but um yeah and a good takeaway for me .

Speaker 2 22:21

A good takeaway from this is that if there's and hopefully there are the younger generation of women that's watching this , you know what I mean to to check in , like you said , do the temperature checks . Talk to your children , don't you know ? Do the things that don't get up early in the morning , just raising hell and fussing because you're unhappy , a man made you mad or or whatever is going on in your life , like , consider your kids is real little people , little people . They are little people who need you to show up for them every single day because they can't do it themselves and have those positive talks to them . You know , make sure they understand their greatness and who they are and how much they're loved and the things that you know .

Speaker 2 23:07

We may not have been imparted , and that's not all of us either , right ? So I'm not making it like all parents are crazy , but what I'm saying is just make sure that learn from us . I guess that's what I'm saying is just learn from us and just try to do things earlier so that you don't get to a certain age and and have to unpack all of this new kids they're a little different , though like there's respect .

Speaker 5 23:35

It's like the how do you still get respect from them and still teach them and still let them talk to you and come to you and be open ?

Speaker 2 23:42

yeah , but it's this older age group , right ? So we're talking about the ones who have already gone through it , who have gone I'm . So what I'm saying is that start imparting this thing your grandkidskids or you know people with younger to younger . You know women in their 30s , late 20s raising children so that you can bring them through it , but the kids to me right now there's a lot of sense of entitlement , like a lot , but we have to take some accountability .

Speaker 1 24:11

We have to take some accountability for that .

Speaker 2 24:13

We have to take some accountability , because I'm going to be honest for myself I probably lacked , we all lacked , but I lacked , and so I tried to make up a lot Like do too .

Speaker 1 24:25

I overdid it .

Speaker 2 24:26

So I didn't . I should have done a little bit more in terms of okay , did you do this ? Did you do that ? I'm going to let you fall and I'm trying to make sure you fly because I don't want you to fall . Why you got to . I hate that . They say you have to crawl before you walk . I don't want you to crawl . So we have to take a little bit of accountability for the entitlement . It's bad .

Speaker 4 24:48

It's so bad .

Speaker 2 24:49

I'm not saying all , but you know what I mean . Like well , at least for me , I have to just sit back and be like , oh girl .

Speaker 5 24:58

And I think too , the order of the kids , like the oldest , is probably a lot more independent . I'm the oldest , I was a lot more independent than the baby .

Speaker 5 25:05

I'm the oldest you get everything done for you Some of the trauma I have as a little girl . I remember being in third grade and my third grade teacher , miss Rouse . I , little girl , I remember being in third grade and my third grade teacher , ms Rouse . I remember her coming up to me and always telling me to you know hold my head up , because I always do this .

Speaker 5 25:17

I always look down and she said speak up . And I always hear that in my head every time I talk to my speak up . I always get the huh what'd you say ? And I know that stems from some family stuff . Like everybody in my family , all the women in our family were fairly not meek in stature but kind of meek and quiet and you know , we kind of let a lot of things happen to us . We didn't really control what happened around us a lot and I know some of that has been passed on to me from not my grandma .

Speaker 5 25:42

My grandma was loud and wow but uh , my aunts and my great-grandaunts and my mom and everybody in my family was like basically in their 70s or 80s by the time I came around , but we were all just really quiet and my mom is very quiet too . So I get that from her and I think I got some of the anxiety from her . She won't claim it , but I've kind of taken on some of that to where . I'm like I get anxiety just going to the grocery store . I get anxiety just thinking about what I have to do for the day .

Speaker 3 26:09

But how do you get through being a lawyer ?

Speaker 5 26:12

Well , I don't have to be in court , so that's different . I'm a transactional lawyer , so most of my stuff is written . So I don't really have to talk and interact with people , Even when I do have to , like I get hot and sweaty .

Speaker 5 26:21

If I know I have to make a call , I get hot and I'm like and I psych myself up , but when I'm in it I'm okay and that's , and I don't know where the trauma came from per se . But I know I've taken that on , so I'm a lot better now , but I do still have that , that nervousness . Oh , it feels like I have to make a speech . It's like that feeling all the time Like I have to get up and make a speech in front of everybody .

Speaker 5 26:49

But it's gotten worse , you know , probably about 10 years ago , but it's gotten better slowly over the years . I have talked to somebody about it and I kind of challenge myself . Now to go out and do stuff Like networking is super scary for me . How do you ?

Speaker 3 27:01

feel doing this .

Speaker 5 27:03

This is scary the first time I had to take a shot .

Speaker 4 27:07

I'm going to go get some drugs now .

Speaker 5 27:09

Oh , I had to take a shot , Like y'all just don't know what I'm talking about .

Speaker 1 27:16

I'm like oh , I need to calm down , but now , like I'm good You're talking now .

Speaker 3 27:16

You're talking now . You're talking now .

Speaker 5 27:18

Yeah so I'm good , I'm growing . It's a process , oh good , good job . This is going to be scary , for you .

Speaker 3 27:28

This is scary , but it with people , true , very true , and I hope you feel like this can be a safe space .

Speaker 5 27:35

It is .

Speaker 3 27:36

You know that this could be a safe space . Well , we have a caller that called in for us . Okay , this one kind of stung a little bit , or ? You know , I just felt almost like I could feel her when she was saying it .

Speaker 1 27:57

So let's see how this goes Okay . Hi , my name is Cheryl , I'm from Georgia and I would like to address the insecurities resulting from childhood traumas . The insecurity that I face is that I was never considered pretty enough or good enough to be included , and that was from my extended family , so I couldn't wait until I got older to move away and leave all of my family behind . I still struggle with feeling like whether or not I belong if I'm good enough . So unfortunately , my defense mechanisms are that I don't trust anyone or really depend on anyone so that way I won't get disappointed and hurt . I still question why not me , why didn't he think I was good enough to be included , or whether or not I was selected , and it causes me to back off and retreat from others . So I still kind of have that wall built up around me , but I'm working on getting over that , even at this age .

Speaker 5 29:02

I want to fight the people that make her feel like that , like it's just suffering their own special help yeah they probably need to , because that's I hate that for her .

Speaker 3 29:13

You know what . A lot of times when but this , this is my perception a lot of times when people try to make you feel not beautiful , it's because you are beautiful and they're hating .

Speaker 5 29:24

You know what I'm saying ?

Speaker 3 29:24

it's because because other people think you are beautiful and it just so happens that I know this person . She's tall , she had long legs , and I didn't know her as a child , so but I , she and I actually kind of connected um , um , like you know , in our late 40s , 50 ish , you know she played basketball and all that kind of and she was in sports . So I kind of can connect with her because you know , one of my traumas was being so tall at such an early age . I was five , nine I'm five nine now . I was five nine in the sixth grade and I was leggy , long legs and all that kind of stuff and I used to try to shrink and hide but I didn't realize I was statuette hello , hello .

Speaker 3 30:14

Yeah , you know what I'm saying , and when I would walk down the street , older men would be hooping and hollering at me and especially but you couldn't tell I was a baby . I was five , nine but . But when you looked at me in the face you knew I was a child . But from the back you saw these long legs walking down the street and you know , back then our shorts was way short shorts , so they just saw this long-legged something . She's already had boobs and stuff and but I was a child .

Speaker 3 30:42

And then , but you , you clearly knew I was a child when you saw him in the face but that also brings me to another one of my traumas , because my father I used had used to make me recite this little thing he used to say to me my name is Legra and at that time it was McClendon . I'm Legra McClendon , I'm 13 years old , my dad has a double-barrel shotgun and he will use it . Okay Gosh , for those certified pedophiles .

Speaker 1 31:06

My daddy used to make me say that . Because he knew that me and was looking at you .

Speaker 3 31:10

That's smart and my daddy used to make me say that because I was long-legged like that , so I know her . I know she was light-skinned Come on , we're not going to get into the dark-skinned , light-skinned . But when you see this tall , light-skinned younger child , long legs , probably wearing short shorts and stuff and she got good hair- you know she got good hair , big beautiful smile , so those people around you with that little bit of even family . You're not pretty , sit down somewhere . No , she was beautiful .

Speaker 2 31:45

That's what I paid attention to you think you cute . You're fast .

Speaker 3 31:49

You automatically had to be fast People used to call me fast . I was like I's such a tomboy and playing football and climbing trees and stuff I wouldn't like you know or whatever , but I know her so for to even think that she has that that little thing . It still sits in the back of your head and think about what she said .

Speaker 2 32:08

She said extended family . This is stuff that and it really does happen in families and we are separated . This would be a an amazing subject to to talk about or have somebody on . But that whole colorism thing because it does happen in families and just like the comments you made good here , because I'm gonna be honest , I always say it

Anxiety, Self-Image, and Family Patterns

Speaker 2 32:30

what the hell is good here ?

Speaker 4 32:32

I mean like this thing is not healthy .

Speaker 2 32:34

So you know , it's , it's just a lot of things to to unpack , but when you're extending was bad here yeah , when it's actually curly .

Speaker 2 32:42

Yes , you know what I mean . It's curling coming out of your hair , but out of your head . So you know , and and that for me , that for me was a thing , that whole thing about good hair , and even now I hear like a lot of guys say that more . So you know , I just want a woman to have babies with , because I want them to have good hair and I feel like , well , what's good hair ? Right , but it's the things that her family put that on her .

Speaker 3 33:10

Absolutely so . I sympathize with her and I intentionally chose that one because it kind of resonates with me . Yeah , that long , because I didn't know her then , like I said , but I can imagine her .

Speaker 2 33:22

Right .

Speaker 3 33:23

The Cheryl that I know today , and then I can imagine her as a child , as she was that lighter skin , curly , because she has beautiful hair and she has natural hair , so it's still curly , but now it's got the curtain and she has natural hair , so it's still curly , but now it's got the salt and pepper in . I don't know what color it was when she was a child , but that beautiful hopefully not texture right , I hope she wasn't salt and pepper at 12 , but who knows ?

Speaker 1 33:46

you know these things are grand earlier .

Speaker 3 33:47

But just being long-legged and and athletic and all that stuff and honey , they was probably a little fat , don't get me started . Anyway , we're going to have .

Speaker 3 33:59

this is kind of part one where I just wanted us to sit down and talk about a few things , and I know I can keep us on here all day by myself , and I'm sure each one of us got our own stories and things that we need to unpack , but therapy is just so important . It is um and to . To figure out what's going on in your own life , yeah , to see what we are passing on to our kids . Um and so for part two um , next week I want to have dr angela monfort come and sit down and just chit chat with us a little bit .

Speaker 3 34:31

You know it's not going to be a full therapy session but just some things to talk about and how we recognize things or how to deal with some things , um , but I'm sure she's got a lot that she would love to be able to share with us .

Speaker 1 34:43

Yeah , I'm ready , honey , we'll have y'all here all day ?

Speaker 3 34:46

yeah , okay , especially stephanie .

Speaker 4 34:49

I'm not casting . Mine is a sitcom , it's a sitcom .

Speaker 3 34:57

So it's your two men who knows right .

Speaker 4 35:00

No , no , I'm talking about my therapy session .

Speaker 2 35:03

You say that all the time , though you do say that all the time that you laugh . They were two men , yeah , but you say it's good for you .

Speaker 1 35:10

What happened this week ?

Speaker 4 35:11

Ms Hill Right . Well , I feel , yeah , she . But you say it's good for you . What happened this week ? Ms Hill Right , Well , I feel , yeah , she'd be entertained .

Speaker 3 35:18

But she got to hold a straight face through the whole session .

Speaker 4 35:21

Like is this lady for real .

Speaker 5 35:23

What you writing doctor Is this lady's cuckoo .

Speaker 3 35:27

Because we love to hear your stories . And when I say she got a story for everything , I really do had an exciting life man .

Speaker 4 35:35

Yes , that's wonderful though .

Speaker 3 35:36

But hey , so we're going to wrap this one up and y'all make sure you subscribe .

Speaker 2 35:42

Yes , like and follow .

Speaker 3 35:45

That's right , all of our platforms , but this is Lever , with Timeless and Unfiltered . This is Stephanie , this is Charisse , this is Evanya , and we're going to keep on spilling the tea . One laugh at a time Y'all make sure y'all go subscribe Bye , Thank you guys .