Confronting Childhood Trauma - Part 1

Facing the past isn’t easy… Join us as we confront childhood trauma and begin the healing.

Chapters

• 0:00 Confronting Childhood Scars
• 7:50 Living Under a Countdown
• 15:30 COVID's Lasting Impact on Mental Health
• 22:10 Breaking the Cycles We Pass Down
• 32:30 Anxiety, Self-Image, and Family Patterns
• 41:40 Caller Shares Her Story of Insecurity
• 51:30 Looking Forward to Healing with Therapy

Transcript

Confronting Childhood Scars

Speaker 1 0:00

best as she could. I know that now as a mother.

Speaker 2 0:03

As a parent, I know that now right, but it took years. Throughout a large part of my adult life, I really thought I was a nobody. What I accepted from other people, what I accepted in relationships, what I accepted from people that I thought were my friends, was crazy as hell. We have such a huge impact on our children. I can look in and see the things and the flaws and it's okay.

Speaker 4 0:43

This is Legra.

Speaker 5 0:47

This is Stephanie, this is Cherie.

Speaker 3 0:55

And this is Ivanya, and this is Timeless and Unfiltered where we are spilling the tea on midlife. One laugh at a time. That was so funny. I'm Stephanie, I'm Cherise and I'm Evanya where we are spilling the tea on midlife.

Speaker 4 1:12

One laugh at a time and we're asking everyone to like follow and subscribe.

Speaker 3 1:17

We are asking everyone, we are asking everyone y'all don't want me to cuss.

Speaker 4 1:22

We're asking everyone politely to like, follow and subscribe.

Speaker 3 1:26

We love you. Hey, sanher, she said love you. Well, hey, this episode probably is going to be a little bit more serious. Yeah, and it just came across my mind because the last episode where we were talking about self-care, where we were talking about self-care, and it just made me think of some of the things that, just listening to all of our conversations, some of the things that we've brought from childhood with us, that we are still carrying today, good or bad Right.

Speaker 3 1:58

Good or bad and, as y'all can see, I'm sorry. The fifth co-host started the show with us today, because this hot flash has been lasting about 10 minutes. I'm trying to get through it. But hello, welcome to menopause and midlife. Okay, um, but it made me think about some of the things, or, when I listen to your stories, some of the things that I think may have triggered like you still have triggers you still have trauma that even we don't even realize we're carrying it.

Speaker 3 2:25

I just want to say for the record stephanie, your hair is killing right now I'm looking at the print. Turn to the camera so you can see the design and the print. And I was just like come on, stephanie, she's so jazzy the original barber doll hello, you did it yourself.

Speaker 4 2:37

No, oh the lady that cuts my hair. Her name is the original barber, doll.

Speaker 5 2:43

Okay, well, shout out to the camera. That's right, the original barber doll.

Speaker 4 2:46

Okay, where'd they find her? She bad, where'd she?

Speaker 2 2:48

go Katie On.

Speaker 4 2:48

Instagram Original barber doll that's a cute doll.

Speaker 3 2:52

That's a cute doll, I love that. Yeah, she slayed your hair.

Speaker 1 2:55

She's a famous barber.

Speaker 3 3:00

She cuts famous people Us. Are we doing?

Speaker 5 3:02

the same clips, the same clippers. Put his clippers on me, girl.

Speaker 3 3:06

Yes, yes, yes. I just had to say that I called a look and I was like, okay, we'll come through here. Thank, you but yeah, I just think. It just made me think about some of the things that I didn't realize I was carrying, as we were talking about just even our self-care and how we take care of ourselves, or don't take care of ourselves and the things that we pass on to our kids.

Speaker 3 3:27

I was thinking about, you know, the things I said I passed on to my son, and it just made me wonder like, hey, amanda, what else am I dealing with that I'm really not dealing with. Right, so I thought we'd sit back today and talk about some of our childhood triggers, trauma. And this is actually part one. Part two, we're going to have Dr Angela Montfort come on and sit down and talk with us. What do you guys?

Speaker 1 3:50

think about that. Yeah, I think that's good Okay.

Speaker 3 3:51

Now we know we have some people who are very private and who don't like sharing her business. So whatever you, like to share or don't share for the world to see whatever we want to share or don't share is completely up to you, or how deep you want to go into. It is completely up to you. No, there's no pressure.

Speaker 4 4:11

No pressure.

Speaker 3 4:19

I was thinking about when I was younger. I think about what kind of drives me even to today is I think about my mother. I think about how hard my mother died at the age of 54.

Speaker 5 4:45

I'm 55.

Speaker 1 4:47

I'm 55.

Speaker 3 4:48

Wow, and I remember coming up to my 54th birthday and I remember actually when I hit 50, even though you don't realize you're doing it in the back of my head I was counting down to 54. Because my mother was in our minds pillar of health right, she ain't healthy. She looked great, boom, she said boom. She gone like that quick. So in my mind I've always was counting down to 54 and I know that her death mean it doesn't have anything, but it's just something that just it do.

Speaker 3 5:27

That's just there. So I remember for my 54th birthday. I remember how monumental it was and it was something about 55. I even mentioned it to my son, like I made it like I made it, whatever that was.

Speaker 3 5:38

I got past that, that I didn't realize. Even with that I had a fear of dying for about four or five years. No, and that was just because my mother passed unexpectedly. I don't know. I don't have a relationship with a lot of the side of her family. I've just recently reconnected with one of my aunts, which I'm very happy and excited about and honestly don't know why we disconnected. So I don't really have family history to know. Like is there something that runs in my family? Like, even when my mother passed, her death was labeled heart failure. When they don't know what's wrong your heart stopped, it's called heart failure. And when they don't have a specific reason, it's labeled heart failure because your heart stopped. But we really don't know what was wrong with my mother Dang.

Speaker 2 6:32

So I had this.

Speaker 4 6:33

She didn't have a diagnosis.

Speaker 3 6:34

No, they had no idea what was wrong with my mother.

Speaker 5 6:38

That is the leading cause of death around women, isn't it?

Speaker 3 6:40

Heart failure and that's why, Well the thing was when she had first taken ill, they actually had the CDC come in. They took 94 vials of blood from my mother because they couldn't diagnose what was going on so like she got to have something rare or something whatever, and over the course of time they they had her in intensive care. They took over 94 vials of blood.

Speaker 4 7:07

And still couldn't determine.

Speaker 3 7:08

No.

Speaker 4 7:09

Come on.

Speaker 3 7:09

She was healthy. But why is she here? Why is she have fluid around her heart, fluid around her lungs, all those kinds of things? But there was no. They couldn't medically diagnose what was going on with her. So, but when she passed and if you, when they can't give you a diagnosis your heart did stop. Yeah, so it's called heart failure.

Speaker 1 7:33

So her diagnosis was heart failure.

Living Under a Countdown

Speaker 3 7:35

And. But y'all said her heart was fine, she had a cardiologist. But when your heart stopped it failed Right. So heart failure. But really you don't know why heart stop, it failed, right. So heart failure, but really you don't know why. So I think I realized and this was a new realization that I think one reason why I've worked so hard the last couple years because I'm I was doing a countdown yeah how old were you?

Speaker 5 7:59

when your mother passed 30, 30 something girl.

Speaker 3 8:04

I can't even remember 30 something, yeah, but she was only 54 but she was 54 in a pillar of health and then boom, she was gone. And it was so quick and it was instant and there was no no, I think, gosh, my grandmother died at 55.

Speaker 4 8:22

And I thought that was old until now. At that time, yeah, and now I'm like oh, that was young. That's young and I think you don't understand it until you get closer to that age and you're like, oh no, I'm still moving, I'm vibrant. And you're like, no, I still feel good and young.

Speaker 5 8:37

So I realized she was young when she passed, my grandma was 65 and I feel the same with my mom because my mom got into her 60s and I'm like you see, you're doing the countdown.

Speaker 3 8:47

Because you don't know, you know and I think when it happens early like that, it puts something in your brain but I did not realize. For the last couple of years I've been doing the countdown so I work like crazy and I just obviously had that realization. Probably a couple of years I've been doing a countdown so I worked like crazy and I just obviously had that realization probably a couple of days ago so that's something that needs to be unpacked.

Speaker 3 9:09

Yeah, yeah well, the great thing is, cherise introduced me to dr Angela and we're getting ready to start. We're gonna sit down and actually have some private therapy sessions because I got a whole lot of other shit I need to unpack.

Speaker 1 9:22

But it ain't just that y'all, it ain't just that.

Speaker 3 9:26

But I got a whole lot of other shit I need to unpack but I didn't realize I have been living under a countdown.

Speaker 5 9:33

I think we all kind of live under a clock some type of way. We think that we know the day is coming. We don't know when and then now I feel like I'm starting to see a lot of younger people pass earlier.

Speaker 4 9:44

When I was younger.

Speaker 5 9:45

I didn't see it. Everybody who passed was old. I remember my family was old by the time I came around, but then the older, I got classmates started passing.

Speaker 1 9:52

co-workers started passing and I'm like oh so my brother passed.

Speaker 5 9:57

He was 30. Like, a lot of stuff starts hitting you Was your brother ill? He was not. That was a whole other story. Running from the cops, oh no. Yeah but yeah, that's a whole other thing. But you realize now that tomorrow really isn't a promise to anybody Like anything. First of all, a car can hit you. You never know, but illness can hit you like suddenly, you just don't know. So you do have to live for today. You do have to live for today.

Speaker 4 10:24

You do have to realize that whatever you can do today, get it done today, whatever trip you want to take, take it now, because you don't know, next year you're going to be here to do it, so, or if you lock down in your house and can't go nowhere that's true, covid.

Speaker 3 10:33

Yeah, that traumatized me. Yeah, covid traumatized you.

Speaker 4 10:36

Yes, god that's why I get out and do everything I want to do. I used to procrastinate, but I procrastinate. I think a lot of people realize that we took a lot of things for granted, like being able to go to a restaurant and sit down and eat, to be able to go to a friend's house, to be able to travel. Was it like a year? They had us on lock? Things were like. That traumatized me. I didn't like being shut in and shut away like that.

Speaker 5 11:04

So that's what I do. It was scary and the people were dying in the hospital and you couldn't even see your loved ones you had to say goodbye on a laptop or it's like, yeah, that, that was scary that was and that's like why I don't watch the news to this day, because you know they used to have the.

Speaker 4 11:18

We have two million people now infected and every day and I was like was like, this is my anxiety, I can't take this, and I stopped watching it because it was just so so terrible. It traumatized me. I think it traumatized a lot of people. It really did though it really did.

Speaker 3 11:34

It made me lazy Really, that damn Uber Eats came out and Instacart.

Speaker 1 11:41

To this day.

Speaker 3 11:42

I don't go to the grocery store and I was like you gotta stop doing that because you're spending a lot of money on fees.

Speaker 4 11:47

Yeah, and the sad part is. It's about three minutes from your house yeah, the grocery store lady, I don't think I gotta put on clothes yes, that part you have to put on clothes stuck in the house. No right, I was like COVID changed my habits.

Speaker 3 12:03

My habits. It did you know I loved. I love wearing heels and stuff, but you ain't gonna do that around the house.

Speaker 1 12:10

I'm in sweats. I ain't even got to comb my hair.

Speaker 3 12:12

I ain't even got my wig on. If I don't feel like it, I can wear a bonnet all day.

Speaker 2 12:17

Yeah, covid definitely changed people. It just even mental health, like, if you think about it, we started talking about mental health during COVID because it impacted everybody in such a different way and so much.

Speaker 5 12:30

I realize how much. You miss being with people and around people you do.

Speaker 2 12:34

Yeah, you do, just staying at home and eating. I mean we just ate.

Speaker 5 12:40

It was so funny, I wanted to hug. So bad I was calling my aunts and everybody I was like I miss you. I just want a hug like you couldn't hug people like you can't touch people and people you know where, everybody you know you didn't know if they were affected or not. You had a test. I just need a hug.

Speaker 4 12:53

It was just so terrible, yeah, so that would affect people's mental health yeah, and it changed the world.

Speaker 2 12:58

Think about it. You used to be able to call your doctor and get in in at a week within a week.

Speaker 3 13:10

Now you wait six, seven months. I mean COVID changed everything. That was really traumatic. Did any of you lose?

Speaker 4 13:14

anyone close to you due to COVID. No, thank you, Jesus. You know what I didn't, I did not.

Speaker 3 13:17

Well, I mean, first of all, I can barely remember yesterday, let alone COVID. But to my knowledge, look, look. I don't want to say I didn't and be like girl you lost you, and be like, oh lord, I forgot.

Speaker 2 13:27

Um, to my knowledge, I don't think I lost anybody directly to me I've heard of people passing, but no one that I know I didn't that was such a blessing, though.

Speaker 3 13:37

But have you, is there something that you realize you're still dealing with, or or something that from your childhood that that you're still carrying with you, that still affects you? Yeah, that catches you. I mean that you're aware of, because a lot of stuff we're not even aware of yeah, I am, and I know I need to talk to somebody.

Speaker 4 13:57

I say that all the time I just feel like I ain't got time. But yeah, just feel like I ain't got time, but yeah, so, like you've mentioned, um, as far as content, you, you know, take pictures of yourself and do this and I don't.

Speaker 3 14:12

I hate and I'm so mad we didn't get a video of you the other night. That outfit you had on the other night, I don't like taking pictures.

Speaker 4 14:20

It is because my grandma rest in peace. Um, I think 10th grade my school pictures that came in and I was like, oh my god, I just look so ugly, I just look so terrible. And she's like well, pictures never lie. Is that what your grandmother said?

Speaker 5 14:35

oh my, god and when I tell you.

Speaker 4 14:36

I have carried that, yes, my whole life.

Speaker 5 14:38

I do not like taking pictures, I'm just like, yeah, but sometimes it's not about looking cute, it's about the moment, so it's not like you have to take a picture just to share it. All the time. I think now, with Instagram and everything, you always want to take a picture that's shareable, and I'll tell you this story. The last time I was with my brother and my mom and his girlfriend, we all went to Copeland's and my mom was like all right, let's go, just take a picture. I was like now, mom's go, I'm ready to go, I don't want to take the picture. And that was the last time that I saw him.

Speaker 1 15:03

Next time I saw him, he was in the hospital bed.

Speaker 5 15:04

Oh Jesus, and so I remember that and I was like, no, I'll just take the picture.

Speaker 1 15:08

That's why I said just take the picture.

COVID's Lasting Impact on Mental Health

Speaker 2 15:14

Because, even if it's not a great picture, it's still a memory. Yeah, just, I understand yours and I understand yours and for your grandma, your grandmother, your mother, whoever to say something like that to you would have to be trying to be funny with it, but as it's just the way you talk. It's hard.

Speaker 4 15:37

Yeah so.

Speaker 2 15:38

I, just, I just. You are beautiful. You should take a lot of pictures.

Speaker 4 15:44

Yes, some people are photogenic.

Speaker 3 15:47

I know my ministry is not being photogenic. Well, cut your head off, because your fashion is fierce Everything.

Speaker 4 15:53

You got no package. That's something.

Speaker 3 15:55

I'm going to walk on.

Speaker 2 15:56

I can't judge y'all.

Speaker 3 15:56

That's no. That's something you're going to walk on. You're out of my head.

Speaker 5 15:59

What would Stephanie wear? What would Stephanie put together what I'm out of my head? What was Stephanie wearing? What was Stephanie?

Speaker 3 16:04

put together. What am I going to?

Speaker 5 16:04

do. How can I look like Stephanie today? Stephanie's got to go in there.

Speaker 4 16:06

I don't have no ugly friends. Oh Well, that ain't on purpose. You said I don't, that's not on purpose. I don't have ugly friends.

Speaker 2 16:12

But the first step is recognizing it who the ugly one is.

Speaker 4 16:26

So you recognize a problem with it. Take pictures. I will always. I always look down and then people will comment like why are you always? I'm like don't worry about my face, just look at the clothes. Yeah, but that's a good thing unpacker.

Speaker 2 16:35

We talked about this before for me specifically, and I always say this y'all do. I always say this y'all know.

Speaker 3 16:41

I always say this Don't crush me, my mom, I'm not, don't, don't, don't, I'm not.

Speaker 2 16:44

I'm not, I'm not my mom did the very best that she could. I know that now as a mother, as a parent, I know that now right, but it took years. And so when we start talking about unpacking to be an adult with children and you realize that certain parts of you were impacted, for something that happened long ago, and so one of the things that and I always say this somebody saying to you who do you think you are as a kid, Think about this. You hear people today say that to their kids yeah who do you think you are?

Speaker 2 17:24

because it's probably a learned behavior, but for throughout a large part of my adult life.

Speaker 2 17:33

Go ahead, let it go for a large part of my adult life. A lot of the things that I went through I probably didn't have to, but it had to do with the fact that I really thought I was a nobody and so what I accepted from other people, what I accepted in relationships, what I accepted from people that I thought were my friends, was crazy as hell. But if in your brain you're a nobody and parents don't start out trying most because there's some crazy ones out here, but I don't believe they try to hurt their children it's just learned behaviors, it's cycles that we go through. How do we break those cycles? Because I wish I would have broke this, okay, okay, a long time ago. Because I think about some of the things I passed on to my daughters, not knowing you know what I mean. It wasn't like I was a bad parent, I just didn't know. So I didn't say those things to them.

Speaker 2 18:51

But what were the things that I was supposed to say? What didn't I say? What? What you know, what should I have said? We have such, a, such a huge impact on our children, you know, and those things we carry, like how you carry drawers, you know, those things that we carry and we keep pushing on and then our grandchildren go through it and we watch it. We watch our kids do it, because not that any of us have grandkids, but we don't know. Nobody sit down and tell us we don't thank God for therapy. You know what I mean Because I was able to get it. But think about this Some people literally live and die and they never heal.

Speaker 2 19:41

They never unpack. They never get to understand. Right. You'll have the parents that you can go back and say that to and they'll fight you. They, they'll fight you, they won't apologize, especially the older they are, and one of the things that was amazing for me was to be able to apologize to my children for for whatever it was, you know because we don't know, and your kids will come back and tell you. They will tell you you could think you're the best parent in the world and it hurts, they are going and it hurt like hell.

Speaker 2 20:20

Apologize, because it is their experience and no matter what it is we think we did or didn't do. If they're telling us our experience, they just want I'm sorry, I apologize, and it doesn't even matter if you don't know, if you didn't know, give them what they need so that they can heal and like. For me, I'm realizing that as I heal myself, I am healing my daughters, you know, and I'm healing the women around me and I'm healing a greater, you know, a greater circle, a bigger circle outside of myself because I can look in and see the things and the flaws and it's okay.

Speaker 4 21:02

You know, I think parents should start doing temperature checks with their children Every couple months, every couple years, you know? Do you have something you want to share? Have I made you feel some kind of way? I think that should be something normal, because as my kids have gotten older, they've come to me and tell you know, tell me like you hurt my feelings back in the day when you said, oh my god, I'm so sorry, you know, because I didn't know, and so I think it may need to be a new norm for people. Just, I call them temperature checks.

Breaking the Cycles We Pass Down

Speaker 4 21:31

Just check in with your kids and you know, see, is there anything I can do to help, even if they don't go to therapy? Because I think, like you said, the kids will come tell you and you'll sit there like shit on a stick and just like, oh my god, I'm so sorry and I'm like sorry, sorry, sorry, and I, I'm sorry my kids to death. And I'm like I, I, you know, and not making up excuses, I explain and then a lot of like you don't have to explain because they've done therapy themselves, where they're like we understand you were a kid raising kids, right, so we don't hold it against you and it took for them to get older and kind of see, but I'm like, dang, if I would have checked in or if they would have been vocal enough then, but they were probably scared they're gonna get a whooping or something, so they probably didn't want to say anything, but um yeah and a good takeaway for me.

Speaker 2 22:21

A good takeaway from this is that if there's and hopefully there are the younger generation of women that's watching this, you know what I mean to to check in, like you said, do the temperature checks. Talk to your children, don't you know? Do the things that don't get up early in the morning, just raising hell and fussing because you're unhappy, a man made you mad or or whatever is going on in your life, like, consider your kids is real little people, little people. They are little people who need you to show up for them every single day because they can't do it themselves and have those positive talks to them. You know, make sure they understand their greatness and who they are and how much they're loved and the things that you know.

Speaker 2 23:07

We may not have been imparted, and that's not all of us either, right? So I'm not making it like all parents are crazy, but what I'm saying is just make sure that learn from us. I guess that's what I'm saying is just learn from us and just try to do things earlier so that you don't get to a certain age and and have to unpack all of this new kids they're a little different, though like there's respect.

Speaker 5 23:35

It's like the how do you still get respect from them and still teach them and still let them talk to you and come to you and be open?

Speaker 2 23:42

yeah, but it's this older age group, right? So we're talking about the ones who have already gone through it, who have gone I'm. So what I'm saying is that start imparting this thing your grandkidskids or you know people with younger to younger. You know women in their 30s, late 20s raising children so that you can bring them through it, but the kids to me right now there's a lot of sense of entitlement, like a lot, but we have to take some accountability.

Speaker 1 24:11

We have to take some accountability for that.

Speaker 2 24:13

We have to take some accountability, because I'm going to be honest for myself I probably lacked, we all lacked, but I lacked, and so I tried to make up a lot Like do too.

Speaker 1 24:25

I overdid it.

Speaker 2 24:26

So I didn't. I should have done a little bit more in terms of okay, did you do this? Did you do that? I'm going to let you fall and I'm trying to make sure you fly because I don't want you to fall. Why you got to. I hate that. They say you have to crawl before you walk. I don't want you to crawl. So we have to take a little bit of accountability for the entitlement. It's bad.

Speaker 4 24:48

It's so bad.

Speaker 2 24:49

I'm not saying all, but you know what I mean. Like well, at least for me, I have to just sit back and be like, oh girl.

Speaker 5 24:58

And I think too, the order of the kids, like the oldest, is probably a lot more independent. I'm the oldest, I was a lot more independent than the baby.

Speaker 5 25:05

I'm the oldest you get everything done for you Some of the trauma I have as a little girl. I remember being in third grade and my third grade teacher, miss Rouse. I, little girl, I remember being in third grade and my third grade teacher, ms Rouse. I remember her coming up to me and always telling me to you know hold my head up, because I always do this.

Speaker 5 25:17

I always look down and she said speak up. And I always hear that in my head every time I talk to my speak up. I always get the huh what'd you say? And I know that stems from some family stuff. Like everybody in my family, all the women in our family were fairly not meek in stature but kind of meek and quiet and you know, we kind of let a lot of things happen to us. We didn't really control what happened around us a lot and I know some of that has been passed on to me from not my grandma.

Speaker 5 25:42

My grandma was loud and wow but uh, my aunts and my great-grandaunts and my mom and everybody in my family was like basically in their 70s or 80s by the time I came around, but we were all just really quiet and my mom is very quiet too. So I get that from her and I think I got some of the anxiety from her. She won't claim it, but I've kind of taken on some of that to where. I'm like I get anxiety just going to the grocery store. I get anxiety just thinking about what I have to do for the day.

Speaker 3 26:09

But how do you get through being a lawyer?

Speaker 5 26:12

Well, I don't have to be in court, so that's different. I'm a transactional lawyer, so most of my stuff is written. So I don't really have to talk and interact with people, Even when I do have to, like I get hot and sweaty.

Speaker 5 26:21

If I know I have to make a call, I get hot and I'm like and I psych myself up, but when I'm in it I'm okay and that's, and I don't know where the trauma came from per se. But I know I've taken that on, so I'm a lot better now, but I do still have that, that nervousness. Oh, it feels like I have to make a speech. It's like that feeling all the time Like I have to get up and make a speech in front of everybody.

Speaker 5 26:49

But it's gotten worse, you know, probably about 10 years ago, but it's gotten better slowly over the years. I have talked to somebody about it and I kind of challenge myself. Now to go out and do stuff Like networking is super scary for me. How do you?

Speaker 3 27:01

feel doing this.

Speaker 5 27:03

This is scary the first time I had to take a shot.

Speaker 4 27:07

I'm going to go get some drugs now.

Speaker 5 27:09

Oh, I had to take a shot, Like y'all just don't know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 27:16

I'm like oh, I need to calm down, but now, like I'm good You're talking now.

Speaker 3 27:16

You're talking now. You're talking now.

Speaker 5 27:18

Yeah so I'm good, I'm growing. It's a process, oh good, good job. This is going to be scary, for you.

Speaker 3 27:28

This is scary, but it with people, true, very true, and I hope you feel like this can be a safe space.

Speaker 5 27:35

It is.

Speaker 3 27:36

You know that this could be a safe space. Well, we have a caller that called in for us. Okay, this one kind of stung a little bit, or? You know, I just felt almost like I could feel her when she was saying it.

Speaker 1 27:57

So let's see how this goes Okay. Hi, my name is Cheryl, I'm from Georgia and I would like to address the insecurities resulting from childhood traumas. The insecurity that I face is that I was never considered pretty enough or good enough to be included, and that was from my extended family, so I couldn't wait until I got older to move away and leave all of my family behind. I still struggle with feeling like whether or not I belong if I'm good enough. So unfortunately, my defense mechanisms are that I don't trust anyone or really depend on anyone so that way I won't get disappointed and hurt. I still question why not me, why didn't he think I was good enough to be included, or whether or not I was selected, and it causes me to back off and retreat from others. So I still kind of have that wall built up around me, but I'm working on getting over that, even at this age.

Speaker 5 29:02

I want to fight the people that make her feel like that, like it's just suffering their own special help yeah they probably need to, because that's I hate that for her.

Speaker 3 29:13

You know what. A lot of times when but this, this is my perception a lot of times when people try to make you feel not beautiful, it's because you are beautiful and they're hating.

Speaker 5 29:24

You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 3 29:24

it's because because other people think you are beautiful and it just so happens that I know this person. She's tall, she had long legs, and I didn't know her as a child, so but I, she and I actually kind of connected um, um, like you know, in our late 40s, 50 ish, you know she played basketball and all that kind of and she was in sports. So I kind of can connect with her because you know, one of my traumas was being so tall at such an early age. I was five, nine I'm five nine now. I was five nine in the sixth grade and I was leggy, long legs and all that kind of stuff and I used to try to shrink and hide but I didn't realize I was statuette hello, hello.

Speaker 3 30:14

Yeah, you know what I'm saying, and when I would walk down the street, older men would be hooping and hollering at me and especially but you couldn't tell I was a baby. I was five, nine but. But when you looked at me in the face you knew I was a child. But from the back you saw these long legs walking down the street and you know, back then our shorts was way short shorts, so they just saw this long-legged something. She's already had boobs and stuff and but I was a child.

Speaker 3 30:42

And then, but you, you clearly knew I was a child when you saw him in the face but that also brings me to another one of my traumas, because my father I used had used to make me recite this little thing he used to say to me my name is Legra and at that time it was McClendon. I'm Legra McClendon, I'm 13 years old, my dad has a double-barrel shotgun and he will use it. Okay Gosh, for those certified pedophiles.

Speaker 1 31:06

My daddy used to make me say that. Because he knew that me and was looking at you.

Speaker 3 31:10

That's smart and my daddy used to make me say that because I was long-legged like that, so I know her. I know she was light-skinned Come on, we're not going to get into the dark-skinned, light-skinned. But when you see this tall, light-skinned younger child, long legs, probably wearing short shorts and stuff and she got good hair- you know she got good hair, big beautiful smile, so those people around you with that little bit of even family. You're not pretty, sit down somewhere. No, she was beautiful.

Speaker 2 31:45

That's what I paid attention to you think you cute. You're fast.

Speaker 3 31:49

You automatically had to be fast People used to call me fast. I was like I's such a tomboy and playing football and climbing trees and stuff I wouldn't like you know or whatever, but I know her so for to even think that she has that that little thing. It still sits in the back of your head and think about what she said.

Anxiety, Self-Image, and Family Patterns

Speaker 2 32:08

She said extended family. This is stuff that and it really does happen in families and we are separated. This would be a an amazing subject to to talk about or have somebody on. But that whole colorism thing because it does happen in families and just like the comments you made good here, because I'm gonna be honest, I always say it what the hell is good here?

Speaker 4 32:32

I mean like this thing is not healthy.

Speaker 2 32:34

So you know, it's, it's just a lot of things to to unpack, but when you're extending was bad here yeah, when it's actually curly.

Speaker 2 32:42

Yes, you know what I mean. It's curling coming out of your hair, but out of your head. So you know, and and that for me, that for me was a thing, that whole thing about good hair, and even now I hear like a lot of guys say that more. So you know, I just want a woman to have babies with, because I want them to have good hair and I feel like, well, what's good hair? Right, but it's the things that her family put that on her.

Speaker 3 33:10

Absolutely so. I sympathize with her and I intentionally chose that one because it kind of resonates with me. Yeah, that long, because I didn't know her then, like I said, but I can imagine her.

Speaker 2 33:22

Right.

Speaker 3 33:23

The Cheryl that I know today, and then I can imagine her as a child, as she was that lighter skin, curly, because she has beautiful hair and she has natural hair, so it's still curly, but now it's got the curtain and she has natural hair, so it's still curly, but now it's got the salt and pepper in. I don't know what color it was when she was a child, but that beautiful hopefully not texture right, I hope she wasn't salt and pepper at 12, but who knows?

Speaker 1 33:46

you know these things are grand earlier.

Speaker 3 33:47

But just being long-legged and and athletic and all that stuff and honey, they was probably a little fat, don't get me started. Anyway, we're going to have.

Speaker 3 33:59

this is kind of part one where I just wanted us to sit down and talk about a few things, and I know I can keep us on here all day by myself, and I'm sure each one of us got our own stories and things that we need to unpack, but therapy is just so important. It is um and to. To figure out what's going on in your own life, yeah, to see what we are passing on to our kids. Um and so for part two um, next week I want to have dr angela monfort come and sit down and just chit chat with us a little bit.

Speaker 3 34:31

You know it's not going to be a full therapy session but just some things to talk about and how we recognize things or how to deal with some things, um, but I'm sure she's got a lot that she would love to be able to share with us.

Speaker 1 34:43

Yeah, I'm ready, honey, we'll have y'all here all day?

Speaker 3 34:46

yeah, okay, especially stephanie.

Speaker 4 34:49

I'm not casting. Mine is a sitcom, it's a sitcom.

Speaker 3 34:57

So it's your two men who knows right.

Speaker 4 35:00

No, no, I'm talking about my therapy session.

Speaker 2 35:03

You say that all the time, though you do say that all the time that you laugh. They were two men, yeah, but you say it's good for you.

Speaker 1 35:10

What happened this week?

Speaker 4 35:11

Ms Hill Right. Well, I feel, yeah, she. But you say it's good for you. What happened this week? Ms Hill Right, Well, I feel, yeah, she'd be entertained.

Speaker 3 35:18

But she got to hold a straight face through the whole session.

Speaker 4 35:21

Like is this lady for real.

Speaker 5 35:23

What you writing doctor Is this lady's cuckoo.

Speaker 3 35:27

Because we love to hear your stories. And when I say she got a story for everything, I really do had an exciting life man.

Speaker 4 35:35

Yes, that's wonderful though.

Speaker 3 35:36

But hey, so we're going to wrap this one up and y'all make sure you subscribe.

Speaker 2 35:42

Yes, like and follow.

Speaker 3 35:45

That's right, all of our platforms, but this is Lever, with Timeless and Unfiltered. This is Stephanie, this is Charisse, this is Evanya, and we're going to keep on spilling the tea. One laugh at a time Y'all make sure y'all go subscribe Bye, Thank you guys.